crap_online

well the time has come.

2007-02-26T22:06:00.000+08:00

there is no need for me to announce to the world of my deepest thoughts, but i do see a need for me to set a full stop to certain matters to mark where i have finished that particular chapter of the storybook. there were some old unpublished articles since i last checked , which i am still contemplating whether or not to just post it out. but let's just see .

so here's to the new year and the new me, well ,do come back for the new post.

maybe?well somethings i just know and i will continue to believe.until the day that i canot.

2006-10-03T20:10:00.000+08:00

first i thought i was worth alot,
then i thought i'd secured a spot,
i was just a dark ink blot,
that you wouldnt wanna carry forth.

have you ever felt ,that at time, the whole world could judge you and it doesnt bother you at all whatever the whole world thinks about you,not anyone, except for just this person alone .
in fact, u know that you can just snap out of it and not let anything at all affect you, yet you just wont. cos you care to know what you mean to this person.whether or not you are good enough. not only for yourself. but this other person as well...or more primarily. cos you love this person. and you know you will love her for the rest of your life.

anyways. like i always say, when your spring bag is being "kiap " bothsides, what can u do? smile. and live on with it. when it's not your call, just be the best you can be so that at anygiven moment you are ready to embrace the better future when it comes.

smile

2006-08-11T17:40:00.000+08:00

smile.
as he turns the key to kill the dubbing engine of his car, he turns the knob to kill the music playing on the radio as well, leaving behind echoes of the songs inseparable from the thoughts that had sparked ,along his journey home...

just smile. i cant write anymore.
11/08/06.

never will i wanna control again.the sun will shine on us again.

2006-06-15T00:49:00.000+08:00

come what may.
memories remain as memories.
turning the clock's handle will not turn back time,
nor can it change a person's mind.

matters were never that complicated,
it is we who entangle the veins,
it stops the blood from flowing to the heart.
disrupting the blood flow to our brains.

a comma, full stop, or a whole new chapter,
it doesnt really come to matter.
whether or not we are together,
we wish the best for each other.

adieu.

imagining the beach.

2006-06-14T00:08:00.000+08:00

Ripples wake from the ship's base,
the wind pulls a grin on my face;
I see, before me, beauty in god's grace;
I see beyond this,my happy days.

Wind blows across my weary face,
I anticipate the salty taste,
for the horizon ends in this blissful place,
the land in front will be embraced.

Waves lap onto the shore, dazed,
I rush into the sea, i do not wait.
for it will hug me like how you braved,
for i will be reminded, the love we made.

The sun gleams right through my shades,
I crap in the morning a well made shit;
the sun shines, burns and bakes,
I toast myself like a garlic bread.

Waves bring joy and memories,
of you and I how blissfully;
I wish you'd enjoy your precious trip,
gurl, miss me? if u do, miss me.

Aku teringat

2006-06-09T22:53:00.000+08:00

aku teringat.

dalam kepekatan mimpiku,
aku teringat wajah mu,

kau kata kau rindu.
kau kata kau pilu.
kau katakan kau perlu ku.

ku tetap bisu
ku tetap rindu
ku tetap memeluk mu

sedarkah ku itu dalam mimpi ku.
andainya kau ada di sisi ku.

past tense.

2006-05-18T12:03:00.000+08:00

farewell. things come to an end. we have no idea of the future.but for now, this is where it should stop.and i bid adieu to the past. for everything that happened in my life,it happened for a reason. i choose to learn to be better after every fall.i hope the same for you too. i sincerely hope that honesty,consciousness,honor and righteousness will steer you to lead your life to the next stage, and that you will one day realise what you have learnt from this relationship, to be useful and real.

friends, it is for no one to blame and to be blamed in this incident, for nothing is absolute, nothing is constant. i thank everyone for being a friend. and hope that we move on as usual. i have done all i can and i shall walk away with pride, gratitude and without regrets.

thank you for letting me love you. sharing with me one part of your life.
and if at any one time you feel that you need a person to talk to, i will help the best i can.
with love.han

just remember, no one can help you if you dont help yourself. leave this samsara, every dilemma has its solution. trust me.

unknown boundaries.

2006-05-15T04:58:00.000+08:00

if you still can, would you promise me that you will take care of yourself, like how i used to take care of you? i cannot help being overworried for you, but i know it's gotta stop before it blows things worse. i will give us time, i will trust you, but would u promise me,

that you will take care of yourself well, not do rash and silly things, and get me at once if you need any help.--'because for you, i will cross over, and when i do, the bad guys wont like it.'

would u?

let me be your pillar of support, pillow of comfort.sam, let me.

2006-05-11T19:06:00.000+08:00

in the midst of such confusion, i just wanted to say happy 10th month anniversary, please eat well, sleep well and treat yourself well, do not overstrain yourself. if ever the thought of me enters your mind, embrace it, there is no wrong thinking about me if you still do want me. and thats a fact, you still do .
so,

think of how i won your heart,
think not of the reason we are apart,
think of how i spank your butt,
and how i always fart.
love was never an easy task,
harder when we're both apart,
if you think of me awfully lot,
smile to me, you pineapple tart.

prayer.

2006-05-10T19:58:00.000+08:00

i pray with all my true heart.
all i wish for is for sam to be good. to lead the most righteous path of life.

to take good care of herself and make the most out of what she has learnt from this relationship or me, if any.

love.han.

wait.

2006-05-10T16:46:00.000+08:00

weep deep,
torn and i moan,
i yell until my head bursts,
yet there is no sound to be heard.
i breathe through my failing lungs,
the weak heartbeat pumps energy out of my body,
draining me, killing the me that we had once known,
spending the last given chance we were supposed to have,
you have chosen to do so, without reason, for me nor yourself,
you have chosen to end the road here. now.
i rest my soul now, the restless emotion that re-surfaces every second,
wondering if we still would be.
for now i rest, for tomorrow,
we shall reason it out.

10-may 2006han.

grow.

2006-05-09T19:49:00.000+08:00

everytime we fall down.we get up. we make sure we dont stay on the ground, rattling around, whining and fidgeting like a grumpy little kid, doing so will only bruise our own skin and do further harm to our ownselves. i should learn to sit up and think of ways to get up.to get up myself. to try to get up. to try again. because without trying again i will never learn. i have learnt. for this time, from this time, i have learnt. i need a chance to prove it. because i have nothing to lose, i shall try again.

love.han

爱.

2006-05-08T16:05:00.000+08:00

since it is written in songs,up to such accuracy of depicting what i feel deep inside, i guess thousands and millions of people in this world suffer the same shit that i'm going through.i guess some things, we just have to learn through the hard way, through falling down we learn to stand up again. looking at the brighter side, i seem to attract the black clouds that constantly gloom my charm,if i had any, i have to admit that i have lost it all, yet i will be up again, in time to come.

she, undoubtly has had the best i had ever given to anyone, she, undoubtly was the one that i had put all my attention into. i do not know about the future, maybe i should consult someone to tell me that i will lead my life being a lonely man, maybe not. it doesnt matter much now. but i need to thank her for allowing me such great love.and such bliss.

i have done all that i can do for the time being and i'm left with the only option,i will be strong.but i hope for nothing else more than her to be able to take care of herself, not do things that are irrational and hurtful to herself, and i hope god clear her thoughts and make her a better person than me.

it is love, perhaps.

a greater world or me.

2006-05-03T10:35:00.000+08:00

"Running Away"--hoobastinky.
I don't want you to give it all up
And leave your own life collecting dust
And I don't want you to feel sorry for me
You never gave us a chance to be
And I don't need you to be by my side
To tell me that everything's alright
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
So why are you running away?
So why are you running away?
Cause I did enough to show you that I
Was willing to give and sacrifice
And I was the one who was lifting you up
When you thought your life had had enough
And when I get close, you turn away
There's nothing that I can do or say
So now I need you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?
Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind
Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
Is it a waste of time?Is it me, is it you
Nothing that I can do
To make you change your mind
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?...
What is it I've got to say...
So why are you running away?...
To make you admit you're afraid...
Why are you running away?

i turn up the dial, the music reaches a pitch where the drumbeat and the vocal's husky scream
can almost top the beating of my heavy heart, for i do not wish to hear my own heartbeat, for
once i understood that immersing myself in this chaotic drumbeat, it gave me a temporary peace,
a timed-hideaway. i do not run away from problems, i do not dig my own holes, i know it does
not solve the problem and it will come back to haunt me, but this, is something beyond my say,
and i can do nothing about it. yet my heart hurts. like a kid in a war-torn country, anticipating
every second that passes by, knowing that only one, iether him or his sibling that will be taken away
by the parents when they escape.

i guess there is nothing that i can do, looking at my own heart tear, i cannot walk away, because
i choose not to, even if i choose to, i cannot. i hope that matters will solve themself soon. if there
is a god up there, why the fuck did you put me in this situation?yes there must be a reason, tell me
why then, i am beyond wat you think i know.are you jealous of me?why do you have to put a knot in this perfect silk strand? you really have joy in wrecking things, and if there is anything that i can blame,
it will be you.mend this okay.cos i cant do anything to mend a godly wreck.

man

2005-12-30T18:12:00.000+08:00

the problem with man is, that every man wants to be the alpha male in his pack. every man wants his voice to be heard, and every man crave for attention.

i have never thought myself to be in this stereotypical gender description, but i have recently found out that the more older i get, the more i am, becoming into what is called a stereotypical man. i cannot bear stupidity, slack, and ppl who are lack of interest and motive, yet it seems that my life now, is leading myself down the path, of being a nobody, or even worse, am i becoming the type of ppl that i despise? people tell me, it's the real world, be strong, even if you're weak inside, so that others will not peck on your weak ankles, hide your vulnerability. i cannot. for i cannot bear to pretend or hide anything that i feel.

as you age, into my age, and that do think too much, you will start to have periodical sinkings of emotions, you will worry about the years laid infront of you, infront of your own hands, are you making the best out of every minute.

i cannot help it but break down and ask myself , where am i taking myself to? so i resort to my only pillar of support back there. back at where it is the warmest. home in the arms of my loved one, "she" . and i weeped like a baby infront of her. shattering , only infront of this angel where i have always been taking care of, wanting for her to take care of me instead for once. for her warm wings to cuddle around me, to tell me that she would be with me. no matter what happens. and she did. in her own way, she did. she did not tell me what i had wanted to hear, thats her. i knew. but she showed me, thru her actions. that she'd stick with me. that's all i care.

KABOOOM>

2005-12-29T15:41:00.000+08:00

if i were a volcano, i would fucking burst any moment now, the earth would break open a bottomless pit so i can swallow up those who are fucking in my way now, emotionally. from my boiling cauldron of melted carbon, i would spill out the strongest gush of steaming lava, that would lash onto your skin, devouring your flesh with the hissing sound of searing heat. i would carbonise your very torso, so that your soul is trapped forever in this concrete hell.

i am unleashed.
i am a demon. i am mad.
i am deprived of sleep. i am bored of my job.i am back in my office.
i am listening to him blasting off his music where a bunch of choiristic gay boys are singing in harmony. IN FULL blasted volume.
i am opening a studio with vincent and i am in need of sammie's support.
i am seeing black spots appearing in my vision as my eyes are bathed in the constant burning sensation, acquired from not acquiring enough sleep.
i am late back to work from lunch because i went location scouting for
our temporary studio. i am feeling bad already, i hope sammie would
understand. because even if the whole world didnt, it didnt matter.
as long as she does. if only she knew , she could just be the factor to chill the volcano.

(doodle)

2005-12-14T19:28:00.000+08:00

"sir would you like to have cream toppings?"
"yeah."
he took his tray of mochalatte-whatever-frappeprapucino and headed to the most secluded dimmed corner of the whole shop. "ahh" he let out half a warm breath of air from his heavy lungs as he set his behind onto the familiar couch overseeing the rest of the cafe. it was 7.30pm, wednesday,his new nautica timepiece read.

it was a minute before he could get to his own senses, somehow everything looked as if tinted in a shade of dull brown. it felt as if his eyelids just couldnt raise that little bit higher to let more light in, as if his muscles were unwilling to pull up a curve with his thick peeling lips. all he could seem to do, was to stare into the blankspace wedged between the two heads of this couple seated right infront of his comfy plushy couch.

he wasnt unhappy.he wasnt himself. he just couldnt explain what it was. perhaps it was His version of pre-menstrual-syndrome, he was just restless the whole day. not only restless. he was JUST restless. like a monkey on a frying pan, he just couldnt sit tight, and everysmall problem that arose seem to add itself up to this big snowball of frustration. a snowball coming down the hill, that is barely stoppable.

barely unstoppable. if only there was an antidote. Well, atleast coming here alone, he thought , might help him chill and think straight to solve what he had been stuck in. or atleast identify why did he feel so, the whole day.this wasnt an unfamiliar feeling. the uneasiness that felt like a bug chewing on a strand of his vein on the neck. there was nothing much initially, but it was accumulative. like the waters of a flooded dam, the restlessness that wouldnt settle itself.

he figured that it would be useless to try to talk to anyone, for it shall be pointless because, he himself couldnt tell what was wrong with him.or what was the cause of such unneasiness. but deep down he recognised he needed someone to talk to. someone to cuddle, someone to listen and tell him, that, it will be alright. BUT he ditched the idea. simply because it was just unacceptable for a man like himself, to show such softness, vulnerability and desperation for care. for a man should be strong as always, he couldnt let her think that he would be, at times weak and in need of attention.

---a man should always protect the lady.---

it was a tug o war inside.now that he had started to think, to realise his need to see someone. to see her. BUT, then again, he shouldnt admit his weakened state, such instability will not only destroy the fort of impression he had been trying to forge, it will also shake her confidence in him. for so he thought. BUT then again, wouldnt it be more proper if he had been himself this time? he had always been himself, except for this softter side he hadnt. but now he felt so weak and low. thinking back, he still couldnt find the reason such restlessness could actually lower his self esteem.

"sigh*" he made a silent wish, he wished that she would sense his desperation for her. for her presence. he wished that she would come and hug him like how an angel would spread her gentle wings to wrap around them while he hugged her so tight, he hoped that she would come to listen to him, to stay in his arms and to tell him that nomatter what happens, he is the greatest.

__________________________________________________________________________________
haha.not me. just some doodle. for mycase, my gf had all along known that i have a softer side character.
just to let you girls know, guys are not always strong and invulnerable.

imagine this.

2005-09-21T01:11:00.000+08:00

like a thunderstrike cast upon the unsuspecting victim, this line popped into my mind all of a sudden this afternoon "if yan can cook, so can you" if i didnt remember wrongly, Yan the chinese chef used to point his yellow skinned chinese index finger towards the camera whenever he said that. or maybe that was a merely my constructed memory.heck cares. remember the finger?

or better still, do you remember how, the retro-aged red,white and blue themed "UNCLE SAM WANTS YOU!" posters had this spooky grandad figure who always points his index figure at you?

remember the freaky finger pointing, now imagine yourself jumpstarting a chainsaw, "varrrooom....dub dub dub dub" . Now, lift the chainsaw and slide it down the part where your finger meets the joining to the rest of the other fingers...
OKAY, my bad, you can skip the texas chainsaw masacre-gory part.
BUT remember the finger? now it's just a finger. separated from the rest of the body.alrite, take that little fellar, put it on a slab of white,vitruous china in an UPRIGHT position. pointing heaven-wards. or in all of our case--- ceiling-wards.

now,Squat . and Position yourself over the finger so that when u look down right-through your bushy crotch area , u see, a finger, pointed up towards your face. it's base,however, standing erected on the white, clean, and slightly wet and shiny porcelain-china toilet bowl, all under YOU.
yes imagine all these. except for the part of the color of the finger. imagine it to be in the color code "POO" [ the following content may potentially be nauseating or disgusting. please be notified that the authour's intentions are merely to share.]

can u imagine? i was practically staring at a finger-shaped shit pointing back at me,in that exact position. when i was taking a dump in an isolated toilet, not so far away from my office. For a moment, i thought that shit had come to life and that it was pointing back at me, as if to tell the rest of the world :" THAT"S WHERE I CAME FROM! THERE!" while pointing to my virgin- ass hole, accusing me of granting it's presence into this ugly world.
but then again, it could also be a divine vision telling me :" YOU . are the chosen one. not betty"

i dont know. but there i was , staring at my unintentional masterpiece, pointing back at me. laughing the rest of my shit back into my bowels. wondering HOW on earth did i produce such a magnificent structure that seems to defy the governing laws of the universe? a standing shit?

i dont know. i think it MUST be someone up there that's trying to tell me something.

well after the whole ordeal, i ended the visionary session with THE FINGER. and sadly watch it lean to an angle even the PISA could not perform in slow motion, until it collapsed onto the white porcelain bottom, giving out a solid "thud" . with a sigh. i bid my shorlived masterpiece goodbye and tsunamied it down the black hole , it mustve been scary for 'em....

To The World & Beyond.

2005-08-16T01:11:00.000+08:00

To The World & Beyond.
---------------------------------
I would like to teach the world to see through my eyes,
such a stunning splendour in disguise,
with an angel's face,she stops the wandering mind.

i had come to be surprised,
when the world had failed to realise,
how even more angelic this girl is inside.
It shatters and melts your pride.
She makes worthy the death you die.

Once i've opened up your eyes,
infatuation will take it's first bite.

Who's to choose,
Who's heart to reside,
it is hers solely to decide.
Until and even after i teach the world to see through my eyes,
she remains a princess and she is mine.:)

-han.

princess

2005-08-11T00:23:00.000+08:00

Close your eyes,
give me your hand, darling,
do you feel my heart beating,
do you understand, do you feel the same?
am i only dreaming? or is this burning an eternal flame?

he hummed along, as this ageless classic played faintly in the background. Singing along, somehow invoked an unfamiliar feeling of familiarity, a deja vu of its kind. Staring blankly outside the window, he rested his gaze on the soft fluffy fog across the horizon of greenery. it was unutterably serene. Yet his heart pounded in excitement, such an excitement, he felt, like a lost puppy had found its way home, he wagged his tail so hard, so very hard, and so orgasmically hard...

"they say love consumes." she smiled. Across the table, she surfaced into his daydream. Everything else dissolved as he looked at her making her way to join the table. her gait was so distinctive.

"yes, indeed" he knodded once, agreeing to her remark. Everything seemed to run at slow motion, and he was trying very hard to conceal the unconcealable , to contain his exploding anticipation, the anticipation of what he had planned to do tonight--millions of hyperactive metal balls were colliding onto each other, within his gut, his stomach and behind his brain, all inside of him. but he knew he had to wait, even when he was starting to feel that his breaths were heavy.

"sorry i kept you waiting" she smiled. "the ladies room was really packed" she smiled again, infact, she had never stopped smiling. Atleast, not in his eyes.in his eyes, her smile was captivating, contagious and even addictive to some point, It could melt ice faster than the warmth of the sun; Defrost a frozen stale fish faster than a 500 dollar microwave oven would. She was special, not only in his eyes, people said that she was polite and sweet, well mannered in every sense and sweet enough to cause a whole tribe of african aborigines to have diabetes.
However, It didnt matter to him, whether or not he would get diabetic. He liked her for her ingenuity. He knew it in his heart, that for that reason, like vanilla cream on his frappucino, it gave him the courage to do what he was going to do tonite.

Maybe she didnt know it, but it was fairly obvious that he could spend a million hours trying to list down all the things he liked about her, and still not be able to list them all down. She had an aura of human magnetic field in her eyes, if he stared long enough, he felt his eyeballs would just pop out of the socket and snap to hers in an instant. But whenever he looked into her eyes, his heart raced like wild horses on a stampede, nothing could make his heart race faster than looking at the lip of a breaking wave while the rumbling foam slides down the shoulder of the towering wall of water. Nothing . nothing except staring at her now. she smiled.

The pounding of his heart was deafening, it was pounding at a tempo, the metronome couldnt even define. At that very moment he fully comprehends that love IS consuming, he felt weak, drained. powerless to execute his plan. He was starting to die a little death. Fortunately for him, he had foreseen this. He had predicted the occurance of such a cripple to his plan, that he had an alternative plan. he faintly drags his arm under the table. Under the table and into his pocket. he smiled.

Trembling out of excitement pumped by the adrenalin that rushed into his body along with the lactic acid that was produced, he made a silent wish. A wish he vowed never to tell, never. Unless she had noticed it and had asked. He knew, that it would soon be the end of his anticipation, his plan would be executed at the very moment and things would settle for the night. So he took a deep breath, and slid his hand out of his pocket, right onto her unfolded fingers, he left it in her palm, a piece of paper.

And on that piece of paper, was a sentence, embedded with a million passionate vows, a thousand happy thoughts and a hundred fuzzy feelings and one true heart.

he held his breath.and watched her read.

on the piece of paper, he wrote:
Princess, would you be mine?

-han.

no miracle.

2005-07-23T04:17:00.000+08:00

inside his mind,
across the serene lake,
on top of a hill
beside the endless green fields,
there stood a hall amidst the fog.

a hall lit by a huge chandelier the size of a thousand yellow tennis balls bound together hung at a height where one can only see but not touch, yet its radiating soft glow shoots out millions of gentle rays that penetrates everything, illuminating every corner of the sophisticated rennaissance-era themed hall.
Inside this acoustic performance hall, the black grand-piano is playing an arpeggiac melody of chords, the black and white keys harmoniously married to an endless waltz of orchetral background instruments, the loop seemed to be seamless. listening to it felt like sliding down a spiral slide that sees no end.the metronome inside of his head kept ticking to the repeating rhythm...

he feels an itch, a sting, followed by a minor burning sensation at the back of his neck, it distracts him as he reaches to feel for the wound. "an ant" he says , holding up the army ant pinched between his fingers, he blinks to discover that he had come out of the trance he put himself in, the hall had vanished, the music had stopped ,wat is left, is him lying alone on the parkbench beside the lake, 2 o'clock in the morning and being very awake. he blinked his eyes like a cartoon character with three frownlines on the forehead.

" here's a free ride to heaven, thanks for interrupting " with a twitch of his fingers, he sends the ant airborne. and tries very hard to see where exactly he had shot the ant.

"heaven" he thought. is just another nameholder for a place people invented, so that they would feel their deceased loved ones are in the great care of god. it has also become a term where people call their destiny, the reason they come to exist in this life, whether it is called a suffering or a blessing. But he had not always believed in the theory of a fixed destiny, neither does it matter at all to him whether he was going to end up in heaven with the gods, or stay on earth to suffer in the circle of endless re-incarnation caused by his bad karma--if any at all. Or simply sent to hell ,where he'd like to pat the three headed dog of hades he imagined to have the body of a greatdane and head of a bloodhound, a rottweiler and a chihuahua it would look funny altogether with the furry little tail of a chinese crested dog.

"Another interruption, a rare scene", he says, with a smile, the silhouette of a bird flying late at night crosses his vision, he combs with his finger the top of his head and feels for his newly shaven mini-mohawk, something he did during the afternoon to cure his sewered-emotions from work today. his head was just too occupied with something else. he drifts.

to him, religion is a template, much like a happy-meal set or a pasta set lunch. some people subscribe to a certain religion, to find a spiritual shelter for the soul, some, to discover the answer to their very existence.. but to him, he feels that there is no need to surrender himself, to submit himself so fully, to anything else but himself and his emotions except if need be, nobody else other than the persons that granted his existence--his parents. he lives by a set of conduct he developed from lessons he learned, things he observed while travelling along the path of life. he thinks that it's the journey that matters, not the destiny.

he always organises his thoughts, its the only thing he cant leave in a mess, it's like hitting the defragmentation button on your computer, or sorting out books by category in the library, he sorts out the fragments of his thoughts to compile, every now and then, a newer version of his own philosophy, adapted from the lessons he learnt. because he sided no particular religion, he had to .being solo, he had to be prepared to stand firm for his beliefs, and so he had to always align his thoughts with his actions so that it wouldnt clash and make him look weak and stupid not having a religion.

but tonite, he didnt come out for star gazing in the middle of the night. he hadnt intended to come all the way out here to lay under the stars to de-frag his thoughts. he couldnt sleep and something was occupying his mind and making his heart race a thousand times faster than it should. he turned his body sideways and slowly lay himself onto the short carpet of grass. " atleast the grass is not as cold-hearted" he feels, as curtains of cool -humid breeze dews his forehead and nose tip, he imagines how warm and cozy it must be if he had someone in his arms right now.

laying on the dry carpet of fuzzy-feeling grass, looking up into the dark purple sheet of velvet sky spread across the horizon, the stars stuck themselves onto it -- like sequines on a grand wedding-dinner gown in an arabian night . Where constellations he couldnt name stared back, speckles of light-dots seemed to blink in distant , he cant help thinking about the theory of big-bang opposing the creation of life by god, yet he cannot deny that the creation of earth itself is such a marvel, that people prefer to give the credit to an icon of higher power rather than to regard our existence as purely accidental. It gave him a thought. a thought , he needed to take a deep breath to even dare start to think about. a thought that tells him it's okay to give credit to god for all the beautiful things in the world. a thought that might atleast, ease down his towering pulse rate, his racing mind, and sleepless nite,

he thought for a second, and he thought to himself:" maybe ,for once, i should believe in god. maybe then, he will give me, one of his loveliest daughter's heart." he takes a deep breath and continues" she's just what i want."

--the end.

fiction.

2005-06-26T23:36:00.000+08:00

His vision was blurred when he opened his eyes once more, it took him 5 long seconds to focus on the swinging pendulum he was holding up with his right hand.his left hand was resting gently on the table. the room was dark, dimly lit by a lonely yellow 40W bulb hanging from the ceiling that casted a long shadow behind his silhouette. he was trying to focus on not focusing on anything, however,at the back of his mind, inside a vault which many of his wearies reside, he is trying hard to supress the surfacing feeling,the surfacing of his conscious and over-worried mind. as the swinging brass knob leads his eyes swinging to the hypnotic rhyme, his stiff shoulders gradually let go,his head drops and a faint message slowly fades up to the pitch black that his closed eye sees, he told himself : " i will continue to dwell and drop deeper and deeper into the next level of my subconsciousness;into the greater self in me. and i will be able to answer the questions that the lesser self in me had asked." and in the shape of a hunched silhouette leaning back onto a couch, he dropped deeper ,and deeper and deeper.

It was his solitary moment. he didnt know whether other people had the need for such a thing, a moment to be alone, to be away from everything and everyone else. but he was sure he needed that loneliness to savour, all by himself,the peace was his short term getaway- renewed atleast every other forth night. and it was, to him, as important as drugs are, to addicts.

However, today was a little different, not because he had just bought himself a brand new red colored ALFA ROMEO 156, not because he had hit top sales this month, again, No it's not that.in fact, he had always been aware of his ability to perform his job beautifully, he was the gem and leader of the whole salesforce , the ruby in everyone's eyes. Today had become different not because of these routine,it was something that he hadnt encountered before, it was different because he couldnt remember anything at all, anything at all after lunch.
and it's unusual for his efficient mind just to have the whole chunk of the half day's memory to be taken away ,as if it had evaporated off into thin air. ..the only image that seemed to register is a set of digital display numbers that resembles a tell of time : 3:15. thats it.

So he went home and sat inside the dark room. he shut his eyes very tight. so very tight that he starts to see stars and streaks that float around the pitch black darkness inside his shut eyelids.for a moment he thought they looked like imaginary plankton cels floating in the sea. floating so gracefully until he gently releases his firm tightening grip of his eye muscles.. and it took 5 long seconds before his eye caught up with the swinging pendulum he had intended to use, to hypnotize himself . like an elevator ascending up a building that reaches into the heavens, he drops gradually deeper and deeper into a seemingly undefined depth.as usual, he envisions himself being naked holding only a piece of paper--some sort of a tag on which he wrote down the questions, that he was out to seek for its answers. and wat started as a slight sink ,soon became a drastic plunge, and the surrounding light speckles start to blur into light streaks. not knowing when, he had lost the vision of his naked self. now it was pure nothingness.he wasnt sure whether it was still plunging or not, for nothing was certain at such a level.

It felt like an eternal period of serenity. like scaling a familiar mountain, this is the point where he always liked most. a place when at times he hadnt any questions to ask, he'd stay here to enjoy the peace.But today this is not where he intended to stop at. he remembers that on the paper he's holding, is a question that had boggled his mind for the whole afternoon. he still remembers that the lesser him is an impatient person that gets easily annoyed when the answer is hidden from him.so he drifts his thoughts, the more he lets go, the deeper he continues to sink...

Then the darkness continues to flood most of the nothingness, until. UNTIL the moment when a burst of white color blasts out,rapidly filling the whole nothingness with white sparkling fluid like flooding light., and suddenly he realised that being in this mind-picture, he could notice nothing but the question that he was carrying- the piece of tag he was carrying all along this journey. although he has had a great number of times experiencing this level of meeting with his "greater-self", he cant help being mesmerized, every single time, by the splendour and fantasticity of this unutterable experience. he only remembered, at this very moment, the only thing: which is to ask the question.and he knew, after asking, he will then proceed to have a vision, some sort of a dream that carries the answer which he will then wake up from. at this moment, he felt relieved. it felt like christmas morning , sitting infront of the christmas tree with the presents in your hands waiting to open it.: he knew that the question his "lesser-self" had posed will be answered shortly, he will soon find out what happened during the mysterious afternoon that he hadnt any memory about.

As he took a deep breath.. he saw a quick transition from the whiteness to a projection of moving images in front of him. there were many shapes and colors. mostly deformed and blurred, or more appropriately , as if smudged.which,there was nothing at all that he could possibly relate to.until he came to a few green dots that slowly fade out to form a familiar sort of sign. as if by instinct, he took up the tag he brought along and looked at it. on top of it, was written: "what is 3:15 ""what happenedd this afternoon" ..and he quickly realised that the green dots that are taking form, were actually becoming clearer and clearer, and they resemble a digital display of 3:15pm .. he felt, at that moment, weird.Weird because there was a mixture of satisfaction and dissatisfaction--Satisfaction from getting to know that 3;15 is actually a display of time , dissatisfaction being curios of why it is the only thing he could ever remember at all.

It was his "greater-self" state he was in now, so he was patient. and waited for a moment. he paid attention to everything blurring pass his eyes, he anticipated because somehow he felt that in no time, the visions will be clearer. by then, he will be able to crack the afternoon's mystery.

"in no time" was a perfect description because he couldnt define how much time had actually passed. But all of a sudden. he paused. he paused in awe and shock. he saw what he had never expected to see. something that made him doubt the reliability of these visions. all of a sudden, he wanted to believe that these visions were NOT accurate. he wanted to believe that what he saw wasnt true.but he knew well enough that these visions were ALWAYS accurate. from what he saw he concluded, he knew that he will stay in this eternal serenity.

From the blurry moving images, he could gradually make out shapes. the major color in the picture is in red. as the image clears out, it showed the interior of a red coloured car. the clock was there. it showed 3.15 pm . it was a dashboard digital display clock. and it was up-side-down. as the image gets clearer and clearer, he can see that the windscreens were all shattered, and he could now differentiate there were two shades of red in the picture. the darker looked like blood. and he knew it's his. -- the moving image keep looping . it was a short sequence that kept looping and stopping at the green display: 3:15pm .That, he realised ,was his final image. the final snap of moment when everything had terminated for him. he knew he was to stay at his table. in the dark room. in his solitude. for eternity.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
it is said that in the event of a great disaster, the subconscious mind takes over the conscious mind. for him, probably he wouldnt even know that at 3:20, i saw his overturned car beside a heavily damaged tanker. and i grieved for him.

--the end.

last week before i start work.again.

2005-06-26T22:12:00.000+08:00

YOSHINKAN--i've almost totally forgotten about the fact that the martial art of self defence that i'd been indulging in for so long, has such a wonderful and meaningful name: YOSHINKAN. in chinese, its read as:"yang3 shen2 guan3" which means "the house of cultivating spirit" i mean, how much better can a name go? anyways..

it is 11.00 in the night, a hot and damp night, the setting is in a crowded living room, the air is thin,and my nostrils are blocked. everyone is talking, multiple speakers are turned on to diferent channels, someone is throwing darts at a wooden board, i cant hear my thoughts neither can i breath so i turn on jack johnson for background music, it helps to improve on breathing, literally, it helps to keep me sane. sane enough to keep my mind straight.

well,the learning process is always like filling up a cup, or atleast this is what i've come to realise, Adam sensei had told that by the time you get your shodan(first black belt) your cup will be filled full, and iether you will need to move on to a new, empty cup to start filling again or you stop there. in this case,although i have not yet reached my shodan, i've come to the point of having a new cup, to be filled all over again. in other words, i'm weary of my techniques, i've come to realise that after so much that i've learnt, there is none that i have mastered. i will need to retreat to focus on the smallest details, the screws and nuts of the entire empire building, it's wat that holds the whole thing together. and i hope , starting from tomorrow's aikido practice, i will be able to start to pay attention to these little details so that all of these correct postures BECOME part of me. by the way, i kinda screwed up today's big-time aikido demonstration. i dont wanna think back about it, orelse im afraid i will be whining and blaming again.

--with constant practice and adaptation ,one will make the newly learned skill his NEW-natural ability. then eventually it will become his "natural reaction".-edward de bono.heck it's not his actual words but it's how i remember it.

there is no conclusion for today, learn to accept the fact that not all stories end with conclusions, it is so tonight, simply because my mind is not willing to rest yet. not right now, there is not a settling ground that it had encountered , no footrest to set for the night. today's demonstration had scraped me off from my arrogance in aikido, it reminded me of how much more i have to learn. how much more i can discover about myself.

to be able to learn something new, you must first empty your cup--- bruce lee.

the frog that dove into the pond.again.

2005-06-22T18:55:00.000+08:00

its a feverish feeling to feel that, for only a short period of time you thought you'd broken free from the chains that bound you, to live a life without gravity's constant sucking you back, to be able to do and decide things of bigger responsibility by yourself... and now, knowing that after 1 and a half week later you're gonna go back to the face of earth, to be back in what you've just left behind. it feels feverish.

it feels so, because u'd think how big an idiot you ARE ,for your own actions had led you back to where you were running away from:
After the last day at my last job, months ago, i went to bali. had a great 12 days surf vacation and improved awfully alot on my basic skills. then i came home refreshed, just like what the tarot had told me(which i chose to believe) a lucrative freelance job ended up in my hands and several others came along. so i became a freelancer for 3 months almost and i'd say everyday is a holiday even when i was rushing nights and days, i could be doing what i want at anytime i want, working with my legs folded up heck cares, wearing nothing but my red speedo shorts, going for a surf whenever i felt like, going to bookstores whenver i felt dry. UNTIL, until a week ago when the feeling of my luck was wearing thin, i called up this guy who was offering a job, and thought he might outsource something to me so that i could continue to work the way i like. but instead i was offered a job position, which under all normal circumstances, i would reject at all costs. but the cost was too high and i accepted his offer, under one condition: i wish my saturdays to be alternative working, instead of working on every saturdays. ..so that when the monsoon comes i wont miss the surf trips. .. and he said okay.

and SINCE the day that i had signed his offer letter, the anticipation felt terrible. this period of time feels like being in a chamber of unseparated mixed up feelings, like a surrendered prisoner waiting for his deathroll, an orphaned astronaut waiting to go back down to earth, a frog diving back into the pond. and i stayed in this condition until just now. when my mate, bruce popped a question at me: "then why the hell did you accept the offer? "
it made me pose a take, and my mind froze a split second before coming back to my senses and my first sense was the stupid feeling u feel when you wet your pants when you knew it was going to be a long and bumpy journey and you didnt pee. in shorter terms: say "fuck" in a humble tone of voice, with your eyes staring down, then looking at the scenery.

he got me. i didnt even know why i was whining. why i SHOULD be. it gives me no reason or whatsoever to have my temper at my neck level .heck, i made the decision myself to take up the offer because the price was interesting. i had no one to blame but myself for not struggling hard enough to stay as a freelancer. and i was looking at things at only one perspective.

it would prolly sound confusing to read my blog right now, cos i myself am contradicting my own words, my own thoughts and tobe in such a state, i cannot trickmyself to say that i know what exactly i'm doing to my life. alot of people says go with the flow. well, i guess i dont have much choice do i. although honestly i feel shitty to be not knowing where i want to go.it's like to be given a SIMS character and you dont know what you want to do with it, with so many choices, i dont know what i want to do with my life.alot of my friends are in this state deep down, although not much shows it. do you know where you are going?if yes, teachme how come you're so sure.
while at the mean time, i shall prepare myself to embrace the new job.
the arrogant bastard thinks that god has a greater task for him. although he doesnt believe in god.HAHA

Tonite i write.

2005-03-24T17:57:00.000+08:00

life is short, play more. but what if i live long enough to make it to the lonely late years when i cannot surf or practice aikido anymore?even littlenomad.com went back to work. Half insulted, half glad; half way up, half way down; half being fired, half resigned. everything's gotta move on.i should be the bottom of the pit of my emotions. I seem lost, yet i feel the long anticipated freedom getting nearer and nearer, freedom from this typical way of life, the social norm. am i breaking free from another chain and lock or is this just a short term deception i cast upon myself when i am in fact putting on more chains and locks to bound myself to what i am actually trying to run away from?
sugar-coatings off, i was summoned to the pantry by my boss and both of them stared at me with the kind of look you knew something wasnt right. so i asked "wat's up? and was asked to guess how come i was summoned. i knew what was coming so i just played dumb and smiled silly, i never hold my fake smiles for long, i never liked to, nor can i. they were polite, politely smiling while they popped the question at me: " would u think that our company dont really suit you?,in the sense that our directions are not parallel?" they smiled, " yeah, since you started this topic, i wont mind telling, i was actually planning to pass you my resignation by tomorrow" i said.(no i wasnt trying to save face or anything, i actually intended to) "i initially had thought about quiting the job after the BALI trip which is from21st of april till 1st of may, but it would be totally un-ethical to do so, so there were only two options left, " i continued," " iether work for another 2 or 3 months after my BALI trip before i hand the big letter in, which i see no point in doing so, since my heart is no longer pumping there,it's simply a waste of time for both parties. So That leaves me the ONLY option as to when my BIG day would be: BEFORE my BALI surf trip,which is this week"
From the look on their faces, i feel like they felt like they had a lice removed,a bug fixed, or even a cancer treated.it wouldnt be exactly what they really felt, but, Atleast this is how rotten i felt for atleast a mere Split-second, i was hit by the fact that i was, IN a WAY "fired" ,but Hey, i chose not to think it this way, atleast we are not wasting anymore of eachothers' lives! half fired, half resigned hahaha.
a question to the TAROT returned with a positive sign, KING of WANDS, my question was whether i could find a job that i like during the month of may?hell, my housemates who were deciphering the TAROT kept scratching theirheads cos i couldnt even name what does it mean to say "JOB THAT I LIKE?" but heck, it's a good card, and it says i WILL eventually find something that i like doing. and i'm supposed to have someone special to help me out. hmm~ i wonder.
people had be extremely helpful recently, i had a major breakdown ,my bug, right after i passed the KELANAJAYA station, my car's engine went out, and i could do nothing but let it glide prolly not less than 900metres away, to the nearby CALTEX station, which i had to push her, SOLO for another 80metres to a safe spot to park.as i'm practically a dummy on engines, i called Kash, the fellar who introduced me into ACOUSTIC ENGINE (vw club) and he came to the rescue after prolly an hour , along with 3 bugs, UMAI, abang RASHID and Kyle. they fixed my car, and it seems the problem is the rusty contact-point. thanks a million dudes.
Loongchai had contacted his boss to ask whether i could pay a visit to their shooting valley someday soon, and he told me to go next monday.awesome! i was thinking of venturing into this field, of film production or TVC production. no more sitting infront of pc's , i thought i might give a shot trying to deal with people, never try,never know. u know?
half free, half caged, still bounded by the regularities of life, norms of our society. what is right and what is not. what is considered a successful life, and what is defined as a wasted one? i wrote tonite, without cover or mask, i have only 2k in my bank account now, and my next paycheck will all go to my BALI trip, will i even survive for anothermonth? will my bug be able to have a new skin afterall?cos my gearbox is coming apart, and replacing it costs me another 1k.
looking for a young, nice and pretty SUGARMOMMY.

time of your life.

2005-01-22T22:33:00.000+08:00

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go,
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life. --greenday

it's not my style to go lyrics.com and hit Cntrl-C ,then Cntrl-V onto my blog. but i was listening to this particular song that didnt quite catch my attention during the past few years ,until recently...
these lyrics hit rite thru my heart. simple and nice, it conveys wat i'd been trying to say and wat's on my mind for all these time. it even answers my questions to wat life is : "it's not a question, but a lesson learnt in time" and believe it or not. if i listen to it hard enough, it's capable of making tears gather around my eye.yes yes i'm a cry baby. so?

i'm supposed to blog alot today, but i'll save it for next time, cos on my way to the toilet, i simply grabbed a book outta the shelf, and when i was waiting for my train-to-arrive on the toilet bowl, only i've discovered that i took "the-buddha-and-his-teachings" now that i've finished shitting,i guess i'll continue reading that book , let's see wat i can dig inside :)
til then, ciao.

oh, by the way. this weekend i'm gonna go cherating hopefully. it's been one month plus already!!! dammit.

as i promised~

2004-12-12T01:38:00.000+08:00

wat is life?
no, dont be mistaken, i did not spend the time, between my last post to today's post, hiding in solitude, meditating to find the answer to this question. hell, even many masters of great wisdom spent their whole life trying to figure out a pattern, a philosophy, or simply an answer to wat life is, end up not being able to find an answer to this cosmic question, how would i?
how could i? when just thinking about wat to write, today, took me almost 2 hours infront of the pc, just thinking.i've become blunt.rusty.

all i know is x-box's slogan: life is short, play more.
my question, however is something more human, more down to earth, wat should we do in life?
monks think that life is just a passing. you come with nothing, you will leave carrying nothing. i think it's true. yes although the fame n fortune stays back, after your life. but most probably it'll just last for a decade before your grandsons help you empty your left-fortunes, and before long, your fame starts to fade and decay from everybody's memories, so wat if you're thomas a.edison? i remember you, but you're still dead. so wat is important is the instant, the present.(the present could be your whole lifespan, not just NOW)

to me ,life is just an experience. it's the present. it doesnt matter anymore after your life. you're not gonna go to heaven carrying your memories, so that you can still look down from the skies,flapping your white feathery wings with your halo ring on top of your head to see how your fortunes are spent and if your kids are screwing around or not because when youre dead, it's just *POP. u wont even be thinking or worrying if there's a ray of light shining down with staircases or teleports to bring you to another world.thats just something we made up, so that those left behind wont feel so bad.

i'm not trying to sound all philosophical, i know nothing about it, but to me,you could be sitting in your living room stuck to your comfy sofa, glued right infront of your tv set, just lazing around getting wasted , and suddenly a lorry that got out of control jacks off the freeway , comes rolling through your garden and rams right through your wall , slams you flat like a pancake on the other side of the living room's wall, uniting particles of you with your crushed tv set plus debris and bricks of your wall. Or you could be sitting in the office during a sunday, not being happy you were made to work on a restday, and suddenly get a stroke attack n collapse on the floor *POP* thats it. these are worstcase scenarios ofcourse, but dont deny me, they happened. so wat is it with life? it's short. short and unpredictable.so how?if i had to choose, i rather be doing something happy when the man with the scythe comes.

lifespan=rand(0,120)
(is it a runtime expression? or a creation expression? hahaha)

i dont have the answers.alott of people say: just be happy.
i'm merely putting into words what tanggled thoughts i have in my mind now. well, for me,recently i've finally had my chance to finally go surfing , it started few months back 3 or 4 lessons in sunway lagoon, and i was out to the sea for the real thing with a bunch of nice surfers:loongchai,munhoe,david,davidG ,adrian,dista and the rest . it's been 5 surf trips, if not mistaken ,now, but i'm still a newbie, but the first time i've ever caught a wave, i had been introduced to a new word, a new world. stoked. it stands for addicted,intoxicated .how many times had i tried to explain, the unutterable feeling of total concentration ,for that short moment,it seemed like a temporal separation from the mortal world. in exagerrated words, enlightenment for the short period of time .in horny terms: it's better than orgasm.since then,i know one thing for sure, there are two things i will do until i cease to have the strength to perform them: aikido and surfing. it's not for the posh posey sake of being an aikidoka or a surfer. it's the life that i want.it's what makes me happy and definitely part of the elements i will include in living a life i will not regret. the life that im STILL struggling to define, to find a balance between reality and ideal.and living IN the present. so wat is yours?

i dont know how far deep writing this article drove my mind into it's thinking mode,it's still a mess, but blogging helps me reflect and reorganise. it's a store room that hasnt been cleaned for months and months now, maybe you'll see me writing the next one sooner.

anwar got me thinking.

2004-09-06T02:10:00.000+08:00

i woke up the other morning,blank-- from a blurry dream full of sketchy characters and images spinning in my head. and the only significant image that had remained stuck there in my memory slot for me to recall,much later, was a pic of anwar's potrait shot in the newspaper, and he was in a bad health condition, with blue-blacks all over his face, as though he'd been badly beaten up by someone. yes, it's our very own datuk anwar ibrahim. the ex-prime minister of malaysia, in my dreams. It's not a big deal that i'd dreamt of him, but to my surprise, i went to lunch the same day and saw that his pic was on the paper that the man beside me's reading~ just like in my dreams, ofcourse, without the bruises. phew..

So the news is that Anwar's been released.i'm glad Now, i'm not a person that's been exposed to politics much, nor do i even give a shit to care about it at the mean time, i always think it's too much of a mask to wear in this stupid game---stupid game that gains u fame n fortune...mostly stinking ones. anyways, the exception today is, i do have my perception on this case, and these are the things that triggered me to write today.

indirectly, i can say that i know Anwar. well, who doesnt? okay,now my dad's the one who knows him. Dad used to be one of the prison mates of him during their detention under the ever powerful and fucking stupidly mis-used Act, called the Internal-Security-Act, few decades back right after my dad had just graduated from UM.from wat i see, i believe they are old friends that dont see each other often, but still do care.

u say that i have been influenced, to side and to decide to favor anwar, but think again, have you not been influenced as well? to side the Other side?
now if you'd asked me, merely from wat i have seen with my own eyes, heard by my own ears, through these years, the case was a ridiculous joke and i shall not list the flaws of the accusation in this article since it's already so widely known all over the world, just we malaysians are the ones who were cut off from knowing too much. anyways, the objective is, i'm not here to talk about the trial of our ex-prime minister , nor to talk about the adult-game which is called Politics.i dont wanna end up being detained by some silly act.

Anwar's release got me thinking: Why, even if it's true( i dont think it's true, but anyways), is a person practising a little bit of so-called unnatural sexual behaviour, being testified and judged so heavily and becomes such a big deal and that he's getting such a heavy sentence? while rapists just get some whips on the ass, some jail- time, and they're out before you can even say "I" ?compared to the attention of the authourity given, isnt it ironic that rapists and even killers are allowed to still roam the streets and stroll around looking for preys everytime?regardless of day or night? isnt it ironic that every day, and i dare to say, every fucking day, you flip open the newspaper, and may i quote vincent" SURE THERE IS A RAPE CASE. be it incest, kidnap and rape, rape and murder, or anything else you can think of,..yeah, fucking goats, that's creative, until i read the article 2 weeks ago. ironic~ and here we are, all focused on trying to frame or to get who and who into jail, just because it's the accusation of sodomy, god damn it. we are all worried for our daughters, sisters, and friends whom we care about everytime we hear that they are going out. hell, we are also worried for our granmas~! if you know wat i mean.

ofcourse. i do understand that it's always easier to look and talk about it, rather than being the person that actually is In the situation, but it's very clear, to me ,that the attention that should be focused on curing our streets of lusty fuckers that cant even find a proper way of letting IT out.morover pay for a cheap whore, is simply just diverted too much away, rapists should get their willies de-skinned the way a snake changes its skin, then chopped off,diced and minced and stuffed right into their own mouth, in the name of Law.

well, the main thing that i want to address is, that our security all over the country is, i feel near code-red. ofcourse i cant really think of a so-called good solution to solve it, but hey, it seems to me that our beloved authorities havent even taken any significant approach too aye?no, banning techno songs in pubs are not considered a "bright" move. Now the other thing that i wanna say here is, all my friends, take care and stay alert.

i'm glad that anwar had finally obtained his freedom. not that there's any visible advantage to me that i can see, but i'm just glad to know that the innocent ultimately out-survived a false accusation. and GIRLS, take care.please. in danger, aim for where a guy uses to think---guys think with their balls.

SCAM.

2004-08-25T23:38:00.000+08:00

Running through my mind now, over and over again, is this line: havent u heard,it's the broadbaaaand age~... its not the stoneage. --the resonating broadway-stylized lyrics from the really nice advert by TMnet, AND suddenly, behind that curtain of that looping tune in my mind, i start to think that maybe, inorder to get more and more people to sign up with their broadband service, they jammed up the dial-up connection's actual speed. ---yeah, as i'm speaking of it, i'm starting to think that it's making sense now, and that explains why my connection icon down at the corner of my taskbar tells me that its connected at 48Kbps, while it took me 5 freaking minutes and countless tries just to load this page.it's a freaking SCAM! well, the only benefit that it i can see, is that it has definitely fuelled me up with enough frustration to start writing something before i burst, see?atleast now i've started bloggin.

as always, my first paragraphs are most likely not related in any way to the rest of the whole article, if you observe closely enough, it's just like my dis-organised thoughts right at this moment, which is getting even messier as i speak. particles of thoughts sparkle and shimer while passing by the eye of my mind, like the burst-fire sparks of the chain-gun partly illuminating creatures when they fly or leap by in total darkness of DOOM3 while at that doom3 moment the only vocab i know are, loudly,pardon me: " mahai and macaohai" . --ofcourse, it's not as scary as doom3, its not even scary, my thoughts, i mean i just cant get hold ,moreover decide on wat to elaborate on at times like these.

Well, Mr. egareva told me if i didnt know where to start, just follow what others do, treat the blog as the diary, fill it with an extra dose of your "normal" life, kill it with the boring reports of your daily life and in the end, you yourself wouldnt even wanna read it back for spell check, letalone for keepsake.
hell, there's always a but to save everyone's butt--but i'm desperate. So for those of you who care to wonder how i've been doing, hermitting away from the blog scene, today i'm writing about my current condition. --boring?

oh . condition: i'm fine. while submerging myself in the bubbly waters of my realised-short term dream--beetle. haha wat else?, i kinda forgot to come up to take my breath, to move on. so, during the past few weeks were the process of the realisation of my static state, followed by the short-period of time where i lay down all my arrogance(if there is any haha)to meditate in a state of self-evaluation and self-questioning to establish and make clear what i want next.

like the Caltex campaign or advert sometime ago,which i doubt is still on, where they had "short-term" goal, "mid-term"goal and "long-term" goal, i have splitted mine in even more categories which im ,honestly, still putting together the rest of the puzzle. but wat is roaming my mind now in the materialistic category is the debate of whether or not to buy a digital keyboard for myself, HEY, and dont be dumb enough like the guy in LOWYATT who asked me back: are there any analog-keyboards? it's the piano-keys type of keyboard that i'm talking here, well i'm still considering it really hard,u know, incase it's just a heat of urge or in translated malay terms: hot chicken shit that i'm thinking i shouldnt let my piano skills be wasted before i really really totally forget how to play the thing. OR, should i save that cash up, to have my wife coated in metallic orange tinted gold-bronze paint (which is around 3k--u know, the VIOS color , the paintjob is costly because they have to strip her down and it's hard to get her dressed again cos she's 34 years old~!)

well, in other categories, leisure? aikido, ofcourse, and still i'm searching for a chance to go and learn surfing sometime soon, and theres an aikido demo in timessquare on 5th of september, really looking forward to go and have a look. it's shudokan-aikido.anyone interested in martial arts should go and have a look.

work? well it wont be polite to say that i feel delighted to have left the previous company for this current one, it honestly isnt exactly so, but i feel happy here too, much like how i enjoyed back there, the difference is i really get to learn stuff that i am totally alien to, the main thing that i do here, is motiongraphics and prior to the misconception of it, alot of people including myself before i had started working on it, felt that it's a piece of cake. but when i was expected and directed to sample and produce something of the equivalent standard of those by www.psyop.tv, i freaked out during my hands-on, i had my hard time, but i learned alot, and i'm still learning.yep, i'm still on maya. so my carreer resolution would be, sit still and learn like a thirsty sponge.hahah

my love life? nope.i think i took the partition and gave it to the "work" sector, know wat, i'm starting to believe what i always remember adeline telling me: love is like butterfly, the more you want it to come and rest on your palm, the more it wont. but it might just come when you least expected it.yep, u're darn right,. my mojometer's recharging now. hahaha

what else, my brother's working now already, we may be shifting from this shit house we're currently staying in, to some other house nearby where his friends stay.WHY? cos our current housemate that resides in the room beside ours, who shares the bathroom that is attached between both of our room and theirs, are terrible~! we dont know who the hell they are, but from the uniform in the pail that they dip their clothes in and are startin to smell, we know that they are security officers, prolly working in SJMC. one scary thing is, we dont know how many of them hunks are staying in that single room, which has the same dimension with the room me and my brother are sharing, i only know we are already having trouble maintaining some walking space, and we're already sleeping on double deckers! the only thing i know is that there are 4 toothbrushes in the toilet that dont belong to me and my bro, and the furthest i can imagine without any form of corrupted-inclination, is uno-stacko over there.

but the worst thing of all, is this: imagine sleeping soundly at 3.00 oclock in the night, you're in the middle of your sweet dreams, and suddenly, ure awakened by this sound that keeps looping and looping, as if it's just playing beside your ears, "qwweeert---Ptui" .. "qwweeert---Ptui" .. "qwweeert---Ptui" .. finally u wake up thinkin that someone is trying to break in to your room, only to discover that, insulated by a think film of plastic--the plastic toilet door, its the blardy asshole clearing his throat and spitting in the toilet in the middle of the night while bathing, .. if there's one time i would plead to god, it would be to shut that buggers' mouth, i'm not an intolerant person, but his "qwweeert---Ptui" goes on for as long as he is in the toilet. which is atleast 15 freaking minutes. HEY, 15 minutes seem like 10 hours in dream time, you agree?
SEE? as i'm speaking now, mr "qwweeert---Ptui" is doing it again. 3 times only tonite. luckily.( i think he mustve got the *hint* when my brother "oooei" him two nights ago and i "WOOEI" him last nite.but we really cant do it too often, cos they might get pissed off and rip down the plastic door then god knows what will happen. i really need to sleep now as i'm super exhausted after my aikido session just now, me and vincent had 7--8 rounds of ground work-grappling fights, and one of the chokes almost had me blacked out, and the dizziness still stayed.man, i need to work on my groundworks.

missin pov ppl!

till then.ciao.--3am.

a tribute to granma, a tribute to life.

2004-08-03T01:17:00.000+08:00

mom called me this afternoon and asked me to go home to my home-town seremban once i finish work, granma was really ill, and they think she might not be able to make it this time. so i decided to leave my office earlier, cos brother and i didnt wanna miss her, just incase.
so we rushed home, and we saw her, lying on the bed, she could barely speak, but whispered some words which i coulndt make out wat they were.but mom managed to guess that granma wanted to turn her body abit. so i kneeled before my granma, looking at her, the same way,same angle i'd imagine how she'd looked at me when i was still a baby. the difference is she was gazing at me with Hope and happiness back then and now i am looking at her with Despair and depression. granma had all along been close to us.and we all know that despite being a little woman--a petite asian size, she had a big heart, a quiet character, and she's byfar, the person that i respect most when it comes to not whining and complaining about her own sufferings. my mom ranks second, i guess she learnt it from her own mom.

although close as granma was to me, i didnt know too much about her. as far as i remember, we used to cheer so much after the long anticipations when our dad would go to the train station and fetch granma and granpa whenever they returned from singapore for a trip. granma bought us alot of toys. and sweets whenever she and granpa visited singapore . several years earliier, she was diagnosed with cancer, if not wrong, cervical cancer.but through the whole process of fighting against the deadly virus, i've never heard her complain a single word.at most, during the extremeties, when pain was unbearable, she would tell us very calmly that she needs an injection.even mom's friends that has cancer were all whining and complaining so much, for such an aged lady when she had cancer, she succesfully fought it over without a single complain. i had developed my respect for her ability to adapt.

granma was always granpa's support when he was still around. granpa had been the first chinese malaysian to translate a local book, i dont quite remember iether it was a translation from a chinese book into an english text one.but being a frank and non-suspicious man, he had been cheated and not being paid while the book was publishd. he din want us to talk about it. but i'd always respected their relationship/ they werent smoochy, their relationship was just old style, typical easterner's love. yeah. something u will find it only exists in the world of fairytales in todays corrupted world--strong and sturdy love. grandpa always loved travelling, he travelled by bus, on foot. to all over malaysia, all the time, he cannot sit still at home for not even one afternoon, so granma always tagged along. it was cute and sweet to look at both of them, granpa being around 7 foot(abit less) and granma being 5foot . when most of the time, grandpa would be peeling apple skin off with his pen knife and sharing the slices with granma,or walking together, although they werent holding hands, u know they held their hearts together. when both of them are so soft-spoken and gentle to each other.
But granpa passed on earliear 2 yrs ago and granma moved on, she was still very independent. and i never heard a whine from her.she's just always talking to me about modern stuff and being interested to know stuff like my car, my life, and my gf, my job. really. it's hard to believe that she never stopped wanting to learn although she's already 70+ and i've still not heard any complains from her mouth.

now today, i was kneeling infront of her, i touched her head, her hair, and although she couldnt speak, she was looking at me with those spirited watery eyes, and i lookedback feeling so helpless knowing that i can do nothing to stop this final natural course in life from happening ,in my heart i wish i could only find the word to let her know how much respect i have for her. i guess the greatest thing that i've ever learnt from her, is her silent, but concrete affection to her husband for being with him all the time, her kids with undivided love, her grandson for not over pampering and self-dicipline and fighting spirit.. . i call my mom supermom, because she has a supermom too. and i hope granma, u will rest in peace.

anvil hanging onto my eyelids.

2004-07-21T00:27:00.000+08:00

While waiting for my hair to dry up and my eyelids to get heavy enough to drop down so heavy until i have to "CATERPILLAR" it up using my finger to make a slit through so that i can atleast see my way while walking from my computer to my bed--2 steps away, i've decided to sit in front of my super-bright monitor for a bloggin session. BUT now, even before i can figure out today's topic, my eyelids are already a tonnes's weight in less than 10 minutes.

well, i've always wanted to share, the joy of being in a beetle. As one of the Patek-Phillippe advert's tagline says :" You never actually own a Patek-Phillipe, you merely look after it for the next generation", applied to the Veedub ,u'll have to agree with me, that undeniably, the Veedub, had become some sort of a cult object, if not, an iconic status, or simply,to me, a symbol of ever-green

the Joy of being With a beetle, is first, about appreciating the outer look of the whole vehicle, which i'd prefer to refer to, as a "masterpiece" , is not posh, not arrogant, and certainly not something that you'd want to have if you need a car to represent your now-obviously-pathetic social-status. No, the Veedub is simply Ferdinand's masterpiece and to some extent, i believe theres a compliment to the female-body's seducing curves . and really, i still dont get tired staring at it for 1 hour just sitting there.

the Joy of driving in a beetle, is the Joy of listening to the loud engine combustions going *dub-dub-dub-dub-dub* deep,clear and crisp. It is also the joy everytime you get to see your passengers getting all excited and cheered up nomatter how many times they had been in a beetle before, u'll be tempted to call it the laugh-bug.The best thing that i love, is when you get to meet fellow veedubs on the road, we always greet each other, with our cheeky honks and beeps, and for a moment, the world seems to be a little bit merrier. and the day just seems to be a whole lot better.

To me, to own a beetle, is like a dream come true, and when i run my palm over the perfect curves of the whole masterpiece, it feels like i'm running my palm over the surface of the wings of an angel, making out the shape of his/her body with my touch,----seemingly unreal and simply unutterable.
Well it's not that i'd be getting an erection after doing that, But trust me, that's what you feel when you finally have your dream car, you cant get your eyes and hands off it. i'm fortunate enough to have a chance to realise one of my dreams so soon, some people never got to own their dream car at all, some dont even have a dream.

now why dont we all pratice not to stop dreaming? --"To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also Dream; Not only to plan, but also believe"--anatole France.
good nite.

swimming.*and it's effect on me.

2004-07-18T23:33:00.000+08:00

this is a short one.
i drove 5 minutes to reach the clubhouse near by my house back in seremban earlier this evening cos i decided to go for a swim, and the last time i had swam was some time ago, which was also the time that i got mind-fucked(read my old posting).and this time, i told myself it would be 30 laps after looking around the pool, checking if that particular freaking gay was around.--- now i'm just gonna cut the suspense and tell you" NO, today's story is not about the freaking gay mind-rapist, and he will not re-appear to be mentioned in my blog again!!"(fingers crossed)

okay. so 30 laps for toning up my stamina again, since i hadnt swam for a while, and next weekend, hopefully i'll be able to get back to the normal 60. now the moment that i had dived into the pool ,i felt extremely pure and fresh, like a piece of blank paper, i begin to remember and feel all the greatest sensations that i've always felt whenever i'm in water, slowly flooding into my body, sorta like the moment that memories start to re-surface from the deepest oceans of my mind, memories that are linked to swimming. and at the same time, techniques of how to swim starts to come in, all seemed to be coming back, in a strong surge of current, yet i felt like a block of new sponge, ready to take on all the swimming sensations that i've missed for such a period of time.

well, swimmming, to me , is part of me. Much like walking or talking, swimming has been part of my life since i was a kid when my mom enrolled me to a competition swimming class shortly after i had learnt the basics of not drowning in the pool. then there were the times when i went for competition training, and it gave me, during my growing years, the body that i have right now, which i wouldnt say is perfect, but i am content with.
then the mental part of me was also very much affected by swimming and how it's competition is held. Why would i say that ? its because i have grown up to have this characteristic in me, which is the thinking of "ONE-GOAL"-"strive to reach it" and to relate it to swimming as a sport and the only leisure activity that i do is really easy. because Swimming is not a team work thing, ofcourse there's the relay-competiton, but then , it requires no team effort, all you have to do is do your best and crawl ahead with all your might when it's your turn. Well, swimming, is a one-goal sport, you just have to stay focused at your target and the only obstacle you will encounter , apart from the resistance and drag of the pool water on your body, is yourself. and your own ability. So, the fact that there are no obstacles as in, there are nobody to block your lane in the competition and no one that will pull your leg or push you aside and you dont even need to take care of your teammates , all these, are actually the strongest influencing elements that shape my character today.

once i had been asked: if in a war. what would you want to be? a medic? a sniper a tanker? or wat? i answered: a commando. one man. orelse with an elite team if i cannot be alone. that's how much i did not realise about the importance of teamwork back then,and because i wasnt used to having obstacles while swimming, i applied the thinking to life too, and i didnt realise that in real-life, things and plans are filled with difficulties and obstacles, and even when i met one, i couldnt face it without loosing my cool. because swimming was the only thing i was doing all along. NO i'm not blaming swimming at all, i actually thank every possible reason that made me love swimming so much till today. because then again, it boosted my confidence really alot since it's a one-objective type of sport, it meant that i could reach my objective as long as i'd prepared and tried my best.

But over-all, there's the greatest thing that swimming had taught me: well, Swimming is something that needs constant self-discovery and self improvisations, the coach can tell you that your stroke is off or your timing is not right, but he cannot teach you any better that yourself can, when you have already mastered the basics, it's all up to your own physical feeling of how the currents paddle under your palm with each stroke that you draw and each kick that you make , and how to make each stroke deliver full power, or how to breath in a more rhytmic pattern, or which muscles do you use to propel yourself further with less stress on your shoulders.
just like aikido, it's a never ending self-discovery and self-conscious activity that lets you learn something different about yourself everytime you do it . and this, i believe, has directly affected my attitude to being a person that always question myself and i'm always charging ahead (somtimes too unpatiently)for better improvements.well, i'm still tryin to learn wat swimming did not teach me: teamwork , overcoming obstacles while staying calm.

i thank my mom and dad for enrolling me into the swimming class in the first place when i was young. swmming did not only shaped my body,it sculpted my character. :) so, future mom and dads make sure you get your kid to learn swimming, competition swimming, where they will also get all the discipline, fighting spirit. ofcourse i hope they wont turn out to be lonely arrogant bastards like i did. haha

smooth sail.

2004-07-16T09:20:00.000+08:00

Today marked my last day working in POV. i had been wondering how will it actually feel to wake up to this day,the day that i quit my first job, first job ever that i've had , to move on with what life has to offer next.

--"i've been told that tomorrow is the day that our 3d max trial version's license is expiring, so i guess it would be atleast half a free-day tomorrow until Juan gets a solution huh~? well, here's what blogs' designed for: to kill boring office time eh? so read on. i hope i'd be able to help u use up some of the office time...but lay low, unless you wanna get banned from reading blog in the office. hahaa"--

so i look back on this morning , just like when u hit the replay-button to see everything that had happened during the day, here's the Scene-Selected feature of today's playback: it was a smooth start of engine for my precious veedub after i had pumped 20 dollars of projet fuel yesterday night, how smooth? as far as i can relate to, i'd say :"Vanilla-Coke" type of intruigingly smooth where there's no jerk or requirement of extra pumping of petrol to get it started. it's just "veeeroooomme...boot boot boot boot boot boot...
strange as it may seem, it actually matters to me, it marks a day as "smooth" and i consider it more than a nice start of engine, it's a nice start of my day. NO. it's not because i'm feeling extra happy because i'm leaving or watever, it's just extra smooth today:) --and true enough, the rest of the hours that follows till the end of today was proven to be desribed with the one word : smooth.
--here's a brief of today:
-----morning blog reading: fuuhau's dedication in his blog for me, was a surprise to make my day!
-----*work*although i have to admit that i did nothing today. practically nothing at all.but my colleagues were working alrite.
-----breakfast was sponsored by Alvin, because he thought he could make me forget that he tried to murder me just the night before, by bribing me with 2 delicious nasi lemak. HAHA. no way man~ i will Never forget you. you tiny-christian.muahaha
------*work again* and i did nothing too.
------then Lunch KFC was on me, nothing so much of a big deal, cept for the fact that mr Dan actually thought it was my burfday when the whole table started to sing a Happee-Burfday song for me. *yah, weird*. weird, but fun.
-----Dinner was great as we went to steam-boat buffet in kelana jaya right after work. i was so glad that alot of POVians showed up , and it was great, not because of the food there, it was great because of the presence of everybody. which reminds me of the environment that i had been working in, for the past nearly-one-year.

POV is a great company, i would say,in my strong personal opinion, solely because of the great people working there. seriously, everybody has been great for as long as i had been there, and by great, i mean great fun, great responsibility, great working environment , really true-people and that is the strongest thing POV has as an asset, which is also the only thing that i think i would dearly miss.--ofcourse, apart from the weekly wedgies that i would get from them notorious wedgyfier gang--Juan, Tat,Yeow n Dan... which makes me start to think is this gods way of telling me not to wear underwear anymore?

well, i would like to take the opportunity to quickly thank everybody in the office, for being such a wonderful colleague and i'm not saying this just because i'm trying to say something good so that you'll remember me. its from the heart. NO I"M NOT GAY , again.

so the list starts ,ofcourse just like how i would see everybody in the office , who i see first, everymorning i walk into the office :

Gee, thanks for everything , really everything up from passing me forms down to collecting funds from me. i appreciate that alot. and i never got to compliment that you're really pretty.
Julie, sorry for the timesheets , pleeeease dont hold my salary just because i owe you my timesheets, i have to uphold my vow to the FFFT. but thanks for all the cleaning up and washing that you've done for mr dirty gus.
Jessie, thanks for processing all my procedures and forms, i know it's not your fault that the company procedures are really slow, so i swear, i've never cursed you. muahahah
Cheng, thanks for being there, really. actually, we have the god to thank, for you're the producer, and now the studio manager. i love working with you alot. alot alot.here's a hug.
Max, yo the kinky director. although i've never had the chance to do char animation under your guidance, the enlightenments of lighting you gave to me was PPPrieceless.
Cheesiong, thanks for all the opinions that you've given to me, wanted and unwanted ones hahaha :P joking. you're a pal.
Weeboon, thanks for letting me tickle you all i want man~ !!
Alvin, thanks for trying to murder me. i know you're a nice guy. and a nice friend indeed :)
Satria , do you even know i've left? hahaha..i think you look cute. i'm not gay. you're handsome.
Azlan, YO. chill, i dont know how to do muscle driven char-setup. but do let me know if you've found out how.
Wang, thanks for the morlock hair texture that you've done for me.really really much~
Chyo, Yo. kurap man, heal faster, cos i think you rock, you're nice and you're good.if i'm a holy man, i predict that you will be on top of the wave of this field.now, dont forget to buy me another beetle then. okay?
Shervie, if i can only ask one person to chill in the office, it's gotta be you. dont stress out man~ dun wanna have a friend that ends up in tanjung rambutan.and thanks alot for being such a nice buddy.
June-two-thousand .. thanks for all the emergency food that you've gave me to save my life. and the super duper roti canai tea break sneak-trips...*oops.*
Kokleong, thanks for being such a nice working partner in lighting back then. and thanks for being such a nice friend .
Roy, thanks for solving all my 3dmax problems so that i can pretend to be busy for a while.
Wong, thanks for being so patient with my stupidity on texturing in 3dmax. you're a great teacher.
Eugene my man~!! thankssss for picking up my shit @ aka cleaning up the mess of texturing that i've left for you. soreey man, dont curse me kay,if you feel like punching me, just launch it on mr DANiel. i believe he will be happy to take it for me.~ muahaha
Ivan the yeng, thanks for being such a farnee ninja. that entertains me and not to forget, trying to assasinate me using salt water too.
Qchee, thanks for so much. thanks for pretending to be blind and not see my messenger popping up when youre walking over to check my progress of texturing...
Tat, thanks for all the greatest wedgies that really ride deep into my crack.
Yeow, thanks for all the ball grabbin, gay staring, and nipple pinching actions, i think you're a nice buddy.but no, i'm not gay.
Hooiling, thanks for everything.really, right from the begining till the end.simply un-utterable.
Fuuhau, here's a hug. you could go really far just to do anything. and you're a true friend indeed. thanks for increasing my popularity by misleading the crowd of my sexuality.
Daniel, here's a fist to fist. it's been nice working wif you, or more accurately, working right behind you. hahah , thanks for being more than just a colleague, when we go snooker lagi?
Juan, thanks for bringing me along to gunung ledang, installing msn messenger for me, bearing with my stupidity over simple computer technical problems.that can simply be solved by just loggin off and loggin back on.
Pak Ali, thanks for all the morning greetings and afternoon greetings and bye byes.. you're a sunshine and i love your laugh.
Kong, thanks for the times when we were rushing for TTR final output. you were simply great.and thanks for bearing with all my carelessness over splitting the stupid layers..remember?
well, i may have left out alot of ex-POVians.and i really do wanna thank each and everyone now, but tomorrw i'm starting work at 9 and it's already 3.00 now. . pardon me ?

lastly, thanks to swee who hired me, and POV which had been more than just an office to me for the past many months. well, here's just a personal opinion to the company: not personnel, it's tto the company. :" like i said. people are the most important and strongest assets that pov has.i hope the company will realise about it , and put in more effort to bind the animators. cos as far as i know, most of us just want a sense of belonging and respect to our ability and work, which , sadly, it is often the major lacking element in the whole big picture.

goodluck to everyone and keep in touch.
and see all of you guys in PeeDee.

a game that spelled murder.

2004-07-13T22:08:00.000+08:00

first it was a wedgie up my unsuspecting ass, by our very own notorious TAT-the-horny-little-bastard. and may i add to it, it was a very very DEEP one indeed. and no. i DID NOT enjoy it.

then came the time when we were supposed to play the game: SURVIVOR-POV .. now,i shall, at this moment, make a statement that the article below is rated "M " for Mature audiences only and i shall not be responsible for causing any loss of appetite for meals, or causing stress or watsoever to dysfunctionalyse the reader's life. read on at your own will.

i was sitting in front of a cup of clear, innocent looking water. as each of us 4 final survivors were given a different cup of "something" and the objective was to finish it first. well, as smart as i thought i could be, i sat right down and stuck my ass to the chair right infront of this cup of clear water which i thought it somehow looked "safer" than the other red or yellow colored thick liquid in the other cups..But somehow, as Alvin was explaning the rules, i start to think that my Clear water could just be the most Lethal and Yucky one of them all..

so the "start" signal was given and i gulped it down my throat in one long shot,leaving all the doubts and questions behind. As soon as my taste buds decided to send out some neurons to my slightly retarded brain , and after my brain could recognise and tell my throat to stop wat was actually going down my stomach was HIGH DENSITY-FREAKING salty SALT water,it was already too late.i couldnt even jam my throat, the whole freaking gush of SodiumChloride had already rushed down my stomach, and some of it was trying come back out, in human words, i wanted to PUKE. immediately.

but i had to say, i'm a thick-necked person, i wouldnt believe one cup of this would make me feel all sick, so i thought it was okay, until i started to feel that things weren't going right in my body, i could feel that my throat was starting to burn, as if people sprinkled salt on your fresh wound, it was dry, okay maybe not so hurting, but it was burning-dry.BUT HEY, lemme give you a picture of wat i had just drank: it was the saltiest water that i've ever tasted, infact, it's the saltiest thing that's ever entered my mouth before, it's even saltier than all of the seawater that i've ever tasted, or accidentally drank before. and right at the bottom of that freaking cup just now, there were sediments of salt that cannot anymore be melted to mix in the water. and in more appropriate terms i call this evil liquid HYPERTONIC-SALINE-SOLUTION.

so i swallowed down one big bottle of 1.5 litre mineral water that i had, and rested in the pantry, until i felt that it had just gotten worse, and i should go to the toilet. ..
lucky i managed to close the door right before all the liquid in my stomach decided to do a reverseflow towards the negative direction to come out through my mouth right into the toilet bowl where i had just BENT my body over to aim at. yes. you can say it was a waterfall. a three-holed waterfall with some resemblance to the famous LATA-KINJANG on the way to cameron highlands-made up by my two nostrils and mouth ,the sight was BREATHtaking. and i mean i couldnt breath at all! --how could i? and wat came out, didnt just come OUT. some of the much DENSE liquid somehow, decided to come through my nostril, and MAN, i didnt know nostrils have taste-buds too until then, cos i can tell that it was really Freaking salty from my NOSE!

so after drying the drain for around 5 minutes, i went to wash my face in the basin, and in the mirror, guess wat i saw? i saw me. yeah, crap. i saw me in tears. damn those liquid.they didnt just try to come through my nose, they tried the eyes too~! someone's trying to murder me~!

wat the heck. so the story continued as i walked back to the office, and decided to stay a little while before i go back, just in case i had another wave coming up.. so i stayed for another 35minutes or so, and finally thought it might be okay already, but just let me go up to the toilet for just once more.y'know, incase...
INCASE it was, and INCASE had it never been any more accurate in timing,i closed the toilet door and released a freaking long fart. what worse could happen? OMG. i pudding-ed in my underpants.
I MUD-CAKED my UNDERPANTS! for as long as my memory stretches back, i've never had this kinda incident in my recollection, god knows when was the last time i had it, damn~! so i quickly took of my pants and THANK GOD atleast it wasnt contaminated, hung it to the hanger, and ofcourse took the super watery mud-cake and its Red Renoma Cotton"wrapper" off one side and immediately squatted down the toilet bowl to offer the toilet bowl a freeflow of mud-water coming out from my sink-hole. Now this is SERIOUS SHIT. SERIOUS WATER COMING OUT from my ass, just like pee coming outta your weewee, its like unpluggin the kitchen sink trap. *gross*. and i sat there helplessly for atleast 15 minutes. on and off.on and off. it reminded me of yellowstones' ol' faithful geyser:"whooooshhhh" only mine's flowing in the opposite direction ...
NO, i'm not proud of it, that's why i said:" thank you so farking much" for the "irrigation-prescription". i just wasted one of my fav undies into the trash. --WAT? ofcourse i dumped it."duh".

so i went home, very carefully controlling the gates of hell--my ass muscles,so as not to release even the slightest most, unsuspecting fart, cos i wouldnt know if its plain gas or actually those evil liquid which i think wont stop until they've soiled each and every one of my undies and even my pants...and great, everytime there's an emergency, there's gonna be a freaking jam because of no apparent reason, and it took me an extra 30 minutes more to reach home and immediately, i rush to feed, now, my starving toilet bowl.

and i pee-ed brown water from my ass again. sitting there for another 30 minutes...

so i came online, and searched for some info. to my surprise, i've found out how bad hypertonic-(means liquid that is higher density that your body liquid is) is to human body. it is used as an irrigation to flush out the mucus in the nasal canal, disclogging everything in its way and flushing out everything like how god flooded the world in the stories.--hey but atleast he warned NOAH, NOBODY WARNED ME!

because our body does not have such a high level of salt content, our kidneys have to work extra hard to make sure our body fluids all reach an isotonic state if we have high level or density of salted intake, or we simply just dont drink enough water. see? SOMEONES trying to kill me~!!! MURDER! i smell the intention of MURDER~!!

well, basically, from another point of view,i've just learnt a couple lessons:
1.never be so farking stupid.
2.too much salted intake can stress your kidney and cause it to wear out much earlier.
3.if the sensors in the stomach sense that the condition isnt anywhere near isotonic,the body will shut down its need to ingest food, thus may lead to anorexia.
4.i just remembered how nice it was to go around not wearing undies.

I HOPE the game-masters try out their games themselves first ,next time, cos the reason i write this article is that no one, believed me, when i said i was actually feeling so sick after that salt water. it's not just salt water. it's condensed saltwater. and i am putting up a 20 dollar bill for anyone who doenst believe me , but would like to drink the same freaking concoction that i made me poo in my pants. trust me. the only thing now i wanna focus is my gates-of-hell-ass-muscles. cos i really dont wanna risk it , not knowing wat i'll be releasing: air or AIR( in malay) ?

'scuze me, my toilet bowls calling me again~.

fuuhau.blogdrive.com

2004-07-09T14:47:00.001+08:00

i have to first state that i dont normally do this: i dont bitj n goss in my blog.it splatters too much of non-manly attitude which i think is too much a disgrace to my honor.

But. due to an open attack from the above mentioned link, which the author claims to have picked up a piece of hand written message around my table, containing confessions that i have written to my Male colleague sitting right behind of me. read on,

Normally it wouldnt matter at all to me, when such a prank is pulled and it is pulled to alter people's perception on my sexuality as a joke.sad to say, i even feel glad that i get the attention atleast. But this time, it has gone too far, i wouldnt say that the joke itself is too much, but the thing that made me feel that i HAVE to write a public statement once and for all as a defensive counter step for myself, is because of the doubts i see in those peoples' eyes that had read that article,coming back to check if i'm curly, n i see that they are smart enough NOT to be able to realise that what they had read was just a prank. god, if you're there, help them.

here are the words in black and white, i am straight. get the idea? straight, i dont wish to offend those who actually are, i mean i've tried hard to think like one, to try to understand what one feels, BUT heck, i've wondered what does a dog think and how does a cat think too, but i never managed to find out. WELL? and i didnt turn into a chicken or cow, after wondering how they'd think if i was one.

anyways, i think if we were to discuss the topic, i think gay is just another manner of human, its just another existence that deserves every same right in the world just like any other,like articles in my whole blog, there is one general message: i have nothing against gay people. but I AM NOT ONE. u get the idea? imagine we're all animals living harmoniously in a barn, i'm a cow, and you're one too, and there are dogs, and pigs, and chickens and ducks around, now you're a cow, and some of your friends are ducks and chickens or pigs, you've got nothing against them,they're your friends, but imagine a duck walking past, telling his little ducklings:" hey, look kids, here's a huge pig! "then comes all of the pigs who think you're one of their kind and they're fighting to see who gets to hump your leg first? and the donkeys, chicken and dogs and cats would give you that weird look, wondering if you're really a pig when all the pigs are already humping you like crazy, you cant even breath. happier? in no particular order have i represented who to which animal in the previous sentences, but all i mean is, mind your own business and cows fuck cows, pigs do pigs, and i do girls only.

Anyway, havent you heard of the term: metro-sexual? i will not elaborate about that here. check it up google if you wanna know more about it.but for now, you might be wondering, at this very moment, Why am i all so heated up trying to deny that i am Not a gay if i have said that i have nothing against gay people?
i wanted to curl my arms and just let it be, but it seems that this questioning of my sexuality is driving my manly dignity and honor down the drain. cant u see i'm doing something about it now?
i'm not gonna start a debate session now, well all i wanna say is: i was framed. i had been framed alot of times, but this time, my handwriting was faked. and my signature and sketch of my head was cloned from an actual handwriting of mine on the address book. now you got the picture right havent you?

Space Cadet.

2004-07-08T02:01:00.000+08:00

Space Cadet.

sounds familiar? go to your "Start" button, > All Programmes > Games > Pinball.
Yup~ that's the ever-present classic "3D"-pinball game that managed to stay in the package of Windows o/s, back from, as far as i know, Windows 3.1 up till Windows Xp today. Sometimes i wonder what the heck is it still doing there, I bet if not until now that i've mentioned, most of us actually have already long forgotten about its existence even.

here's the story:
So i came back from my aikido training, sat infront of my computer, didnt feel like bathing yet since it's such a cold weather, and i started to browse around my just-formatted pc. As it was just formatted, i dont have much stuff to browse, actually. i had even discovered that there's a MAGNIFIER in the "accesibility" directory!!!

Stunned by such a feature(although i'm still wondering wat the heck again is the need for such a magnifying function), i was tempted to explore and hoped to find even "greater discoveries" on the "Start" menu... then i came across this Space Cadet Pinball...and like pandora's box,memories start to flood my head all out of a sudden.

God, when was the last time u had played this game? i still remember my first time was when my dad had his first notebook and i was still a little kid maybe around primary school, my younger brother and i took turns to play the pathetic game in two player mode,and soon my baby sister was joining us, and we had to wait until dad has finished his work on the laptop. and can you imagine we had ourselves so indulged in that game? well that was our first exposure to pinball anyway.

I never got to understand how a pinball game works. honestly, i've grown to 23 this year and the only thing i know so much about pinball is only this: just flip the flippers and dont let the ball go down the "drain"--or whatever proper term you use to call the "hole down there". isnt it so? well the closest i've ever gotten to a real-life pinball machine is many years back when i was in highschool , i went for a trip to europe with my whole family. and since we always travel without too much of planning, we ended up arriving one late night in the streets of Belgium, as we went in a restaurant to feed our hungry stomachs, me and my brother saw some local kids playing an actual pinball machine, just beside our table. So we went over to watch how they actually played, Obviously we didnt speak Belgian, we just smiled when the 2 kids looked at us, but i guess iether we looked like some poor kids that needed sympathy or maybe they thought they'd just seen some asian monsters(crap, maybe they are just being friendly)...u know what happened? they offered us the rest of the game
and they hurried off.Weird huh? so there we were, actually standing infront of the pinball game machine---it's not that we havent seen the thing before, but try to understand that when we were young, my mother used to be very strict, and OFCOURSE, we've seen the pinball machine many times before in the genting-indoor themepark. BUT we were NEVER allowed to play, maybe because it looks like a gambling machine to mum and if we wanted to play,
we needed to ask mom for the tokens.we we didnt dare. BUT this time it was different~! we didnt have to pay for it!

So ,after the long anticipation, we pulled the trigger and launched the metal ball. and "POP" ,
less than one minute, the ball went down the drain.we didnt even get to flip the flippers for more than 4 times! and by then only we've discovered that THAT was the last ball. So much for all the anticipation, Super anti-climax huh~ yah , that was what we felt, and since that day, i realised that the real pinball game is not an easy game, and the only thing i've learnt until now, about pinballs ,is still,may i say again:just to try to keep the ball off the hole. ...:P and i've never laid my hands on another real-pinball machine ever since...

But we never stopped playing this Space Cadet through our childhood though.
and until 15minutes ago, when i've re-discovered it, i found myself stuck to it, and unbelievably, i had even turned on full-screen with background music too.you know, everyone should really try to play this crap game atleast once, after reading my blog. Trust me, it's sure to bring back some memories, i bet that may be one of the reasons Microsoft didnt kick it out of the Windows package. well, Atleast it brought back to me, some sweet memories.

Well, this might be a proof that i wasnt such a bright kid back then, and i didnt turn out to be a bright guy now iether, since , just like ol' times, i still cant figure out what i have just done when the display message in the game tells me that i've just "re-fueled" my space ship , i've just "upgraded my weapon", or i've just hit a "Reflex Shot Reward" and i had so much fun making up stupid explanations back then , to my younger brother and baby sis when they asked me what did those mean, i would say "Oh look, now i've refueled my ship, it's ready to go" and lucky they didnt ask me " go WHERE?" hahaha.

the best thing i remember is that i cant jerk the table too hard(incase you dont know, jerking is the key"X") or it'll jam my flippers. And sometimes i think the balls make me look like a complete idiot when they seem to have a life of their own bouncing around the top part of the whole map often as long as one whole minute, and all u have to do is watch and do nothing while wondering wat the heck all those messages mean anyway, then just when u least expected, it will fall one straight line into the hole.the gap, the drain. or watever you call it --the monster pit.Its not like theres anything u can do about it. u just sit and watch it go down/ hahah(sounds dirty).ofcourse, normally i'd be flipping my flippers anyways as the ball goes down ,atleast it feels better than not doing anything at all right?

I guess"Space Cadets" is one of the games that you never know wat you're doing and you can suddenly end up with 9 or 10 figured highscores.or you just end up with a super lo-score, you dont even get to type your name,and the game is over.I think its pretty much just like life itself. We may know how many balls are left in the chamber, but We'll never know when we're gonna have our last ball go down the drain, and we cant really control where the ball rolls when it's bouncing around up there.

so?my advice: do your best and enjoy everymoment of Life. cos you never know when it's Game-Over when your ball just drops straight into the gap and theres nothing you can do but stare.
and when the game's over, i think i want my name on the HISCORE. dont you?

run for your life~!!

2004-07-06T11:23:00.000+08:00

This piece is dedicated to all my fellow comrades of the "FFFT"--Federation of Flee From the Timesheet.
the establishment of this silent organisation came around as a brainchild of the leader--"the Dungbeetle" when he realised that there was a need from the people around him,people--which he calls fellow comrades, who need a united force, strong enough to act upon injustice and bring peace and order to where it is supposed to be.

Its creation and existence is based on solely one strong goal, one strong objective: which is to eliminate the need of filling in timesheets at work. and to reach the goal, the FFFT comrades fight till their last breath to uphold their honor, not to surrender even if we have to climb the highest peaks ,crosss the deepest seas ,or more appropriately, hide in the darkest dens to survive the weekly armageddon caused by the coming of the "collector" .*"the collector is represented here by a hairy-hideous-hungry mud monster"

Some, fight a silent war, Some battle with their wits and ability to act.--act dumb, Some run for their lives ,and some are rescued just before they are wasted, turning into zombies to produce timesheet after staring into the hungry eyes of the "collector" .

Ofcourse, along the hard long journey to the realising of our destiny, some, may have been injured, be it mentally, or physically,some may have been sacrificed, Some, may have volunteered themselves to stay back, while pushing the others to continue the journey, they contribute to the federation by holding up the line, blocking the "collector" with their bare bodies... in another way, they, have saved the remaining comrades. and their soul will travel with us to reach the destiny when we finally do. and When we finally reach the Destiny, there will be eternal peace and uninterupted space and time, the utopia of office-productivity.

Our objective, is certainly not an easy task to perform. comrades of the federation keep their faith in many ways, we practice our objective in our own ways, we work hard,very hard. not to run away from the timesheet, but rather because we understand that productivity is highly deflected by how the authority questions us and provokes our privacy, questioning us about our own ability to handle our time. the wolf under the lamb's skin does not appear to the non-comrades, but give us a chance, listen to our plead,let FFFT be your shelter, once you have realised that ,time used to fill in TIMESHEETS are a waste and it merely means that you are NOT BEING TRUSTED , despite the usual reasons that the authorities give is : we just want to keep track of what you have done. you will be glad to know that there is a big, silent organisation called the "Federation of Flee For the Timesheet" out here.

With the chairman's currently holding of the title of being "The One That Hasnt Given Up Any Timesheet for The Longest Time--since last year's september" , the federation is growing.and growing strong.
may we reach the destiny together. for the federation~ here's a salute.

warning-- boring issue.--shudokan aikido.

2004-07-05T01:28:00.000+08:00

Nothing.Nothing is better on a sunday morning, other than getting up early for an aikido class.i went back to seremban for the weekend and decided that i should go and join the seremban classes during sundays since i;ve got nothing else better to do other than just sleeping until noon on sundays.

so went over to join the class, just walked in. it was nice and the people there were friendly too, i met Gerard sensei, cousin of Jo sensei.and he personally gave me some instructions on how to perform my nikajo lock and hijiate throw techniques, well, basically, from wat i've digested, nikajo is not about sqeezing the palm of your opponent~ cos most people tend to focus too much on there~ Gerard sensei's tip: if your uke's palm is turning red because you're squeezing it too hard, that' means youre not doing it right. focus on the body entering. well, Hijiate on the other hand~ is the elbow locked projecction, he stressed on the unified body movement of the shite,dont move with your hands first or lowerbody first.MOVE TOGETHER. because if not, uke will be able to sense your movement and react to yyours-- if you only project with your shoulders. again, Gerard sensei's tip: forget about the hands, just focus on the body entering, and the projecting hand should not sink and point to the floor, just point to the front while you are projecting OUTWARDS, not DOWNWARDS.
"aikido is not about swinging hands"

okay. enough for all the technical stuff. i was so glad to find, that there was only one thought on everybody's mind over at that dojo during the class was on, which was : to train. even when some of the partners were talking and discussing about how to do this and that technique~ sensei came over and said: "too much talking~ go on with the training, ,we're here to train, not talk. " that's wat i'm looking for. set the differences aside, even aikikai members and jiujitsu people came to train with us~

so now i've decided~ i shall train in seremban every sunday that i go back. besides, training with different senseis will allow me to learn and unnderstand the art in more aspects.
wats more, i even found out from Gerard sensei that Jo sensei will be coming over next weekend. and he will be holding a seminar on september~ cant wait to see him!!

skip the previous post~

2004-07-01T12:43:00.000+08:00

let's skip the previous post shall we, i noticed that i'd been having alot of nice dreams during the last few consecutive nights.. and the latest one ,which is this morning's -- about my pretty neighbour- girl who moved out, migrated to australia many years ago.. well, it seems that she's moved back, that is, in my dreams, and she's driving a beetle as well, in case you're not a beetle fan, you'd not understand wat feeling it is like to meet another person that likes the same thing that you love so much~ moreover, it's a PRETTY girl~ FHUIYOH~!! :P that's wat i call a nice dream to wake up from. NO there's no MORNING WOOD..incase you're wondering, cos i was already late for work~

BUT today's topic is about AIKIDO. not dreams. went to attend this aikido workshop yesterday, it was in peejay dojo,(which is not my dojo) and the whole night we were focusing on one technique particularly: SHIHO-NAGE(the four directional throw) well, yesterday's training was fun, i could say relaxing and fun, cos the dojo's airconditioned, and the mat areas are big,there are alot more of aikidokas compared to our teenie-weenie 3 member dojo. but i was happy my sensei was conduting the workshop, and vincent and i are asked out to be his uke(partner) to demonstrate for the rest of the class. Atleast , as total strangers to the other students, we stamped some impression.
well, i think our gi makes me look stupid without the black belt, doesnt it? looking at the yudanshas(aikidoka with black belts)then looking back at myself, i DO look like a nerdy-noobie with a white belt and a half-framed specs, but hey, i think white looks less stupid than the color yellow or orange or actually brown that i'm supposed to wear right?~ the other good thing is, sensei asked us not to waste money on getting the color belts since we barely wear them for even half a year.

ATTENTION: if you're extremely bored now~ reading this, dont go on, i will not hold any responsibility for causing death by boredom of reading my blog. below are articles all closely related to my aikido training and thoughts. do log back to read other stuff next time. btw, next time i will mark a warning'*' on the topic to tell it's a aikido-boring related post.

but heres a reward for you ppl who'd decided to read on: the more "interesting" stuff that happened during aikido practice was this time, years ago, when i once had a tutor(sempai) to partner me during a kenshukan(workshop session) she was grabbing my collar and we were supposed to learn hiji-ate(elbow lock) so when she was trying to grab my collar, her arms straightened, and i wasnt standing tall so her armpits sorta like came into my field of vision. and HOLY-MAMA< i saw BUSH.!! THICK BUSH! i dont know how many girls actually dont shave their "u know where"--as the SANEX adverts call it , but hell that LUSH virgin-never been shaved armpit BUSH-not hair was too much even for my eyes to set vision on. i changed partner as soon as i could. i dont know .it just freaks me out. i even shave mine.
NO I"M NOT GAY.

okay let's go on.
black belt. Yeah, it's supposed to serve as a mark to tell that you have such a ranking and level of understanding of the art,But then again, sad to say, you do actually see some yudanshas around that dont really deserve their belt. well, who am i to say this but hell, they dont even have the spirit.if one doesnt even show the spirit , commitment and enthusiasm in a practice session in dojo, then WHEN? well, that's basically the scene that i see over here, i know we are not supposed to compare and complain, but i think YOSHINKAN AIKIDO( house of cultivating the spirit and mind) originates and is known as the tougher-techniqued stream of aikido around, it stresses on form and practicality.
but the truth is, the association over here is filled with politics. (my friend was just teliing me how any other martial arts have this issue too) BUT COME ON people~ BUDOKA(martial-artists) fuck the politics .CAN WE HAVE MORE QUALITY TRAINING? i am merely a brown (3rdkyu), asked around,from conversations, me and my partner are known for being hard on techniques,other ppl in the dojo are actually afraid to partner with us, being afraid that we might not be able to control our power thus causing injury. yet, truth is we've never really injured each other or ourselves from our hard techniques. wat i really think is, I DONT EVEN THINK THAT MY TECHNIQUE IS HARD i'm just doing it cos any softer i'd better be doing yoga instead?~! compared to what i'd experienced from foreign instrutors,from the little exposure that i've had, i'd seen and experienced, with all due respect i believe our local senseis are far better than just being capable of performing the techniques themselves, BUT i think they are just being too merciful on the students. sorry to say, some of the trainings are more like a bunch of kids doing some aerobics tau-fu-fah exercise.
the reason i get so agitated whenever i get serious and all pumped up about aikido after watching some superb demonstration video or attending some live demonstration or even taking part in a seminar, is because the image that the local aikido reflects is just this : SISSY TYPE OF SO-CALLED MARTIAL ART.
believe it or not , the first one month of joining ,2years ago,myself, i had to keep telling myself that aikido is an art derived from the ancient samurai's art of combat,in order to get over with the feeling of not knowing why i was doing the basic silly movements which NOW i understand that it IS really important.and just like alot of aikidokas, i strive to perfect my technique in both hard/fast and soft/slow approach, the latter one to perfect the flow ,placement and smoothness, fast for timing.
BUT i've come across so many practitioners that have quit half way, not even understanding wat they were spending so many time doing(the six basic movements) looking like clowns. yes. the problem is the marketing aspect of it. AGREE WITH ME,STEVEN SEAGALS MOVIES SUCK RIGHT?whos' fighting looks nicer? matrix or seagals? the question is, HOW MANY WOULD ACTUALLY STICK TO IT LONG ENOUGH TO SEE IT'S WONDERS?i've even met with people who came up to our dojo to enquire, which asked alot of silly questions,like: wat if the attacker pulled back his hand after a punch, or wat if he launched a jab?silly as they were, i used to ask them too, but guess wat, the answers from our sensei was sillier enough to be NOT at all convincing. he told him, the best form of martial art is to not fight.with respect, sensei, you are just shoving away your business.TRUE ENOUGH aikido is a practise of harmony ,balance and peace. but wat do we do when we find an imbalance of harmony? we restore peace right? we fight too.
The best answer that i'd experienced so far is from JO sensei 6thdan shudokan aikido . i managed to attend one of his class when he came over from australia a year ago, and after the class,asked him the same question that had been buggin me until THAT day~
lets just get straight to the story:

i asked the same silly questions about jabbing punches that aikido seems impossible to catch hold of,or quick kicks.

here's his physical description:he was calm, bald headed 40 year old guy.he was prolly half a head shorter than i was, he was small built but sturdy.

after hearing my question, he gladly smiled and offer to answer me, he said : come, let's try, take off your glasses, and launch a couple of jabs at me.

so took off my glasses and tried aiming at his face for a couple of jabs which he easily evaded/ okay. i've had no former training of jabs, and i admit that my jabs seem more like punches cos it was so slow,
then he said : " come on, aim and jab. QUICK. FASTER> u can do it faster" so i took a deep breath and decided to put in all oof my might, to give two quickest jabs right to the nose of this confident sensei.

it was a surprise to me that he managed to evade my first jab and before i know. i was pinned to the wall with a neck choke on me..and mind you, the wall was atleast 4 feet away from where i was standing.

i was shocked. he didnt say anything else, but continued: are you okay? now attack me again.anyway u like. as i wasnt good with kicks.i decided to give him a side punch full force. and that was the last thing i remember until i was lying on the floor. it was much later that i've only realised that i was on the floor already.i thought i was supposed to have hit him.
JO sensei had just pulled my leg and tripped me , while i was concentrating on my upper body to launch an attack with full force, he creeped in within split second and tipped my less stable lower body.

later, he gave me an explanation that stopped me from asking anymore silly questions that doubt the ability of aikido until today:
as i had been attacked by him, using not the formal aikido-technique way, yes i was stunned, and you might be scratching your head as i was back then, i wasnt at all contented, i asked him: is that aikido? he answerd me with a warm smile on his face: "i dont think you can even choke a smaller person if you merely use the power of your hands." while he said this, he showed how he made an entering move with his whole body. "instead of just extending your arm's muscles which maybe is 10kg power, now your whole BODY WEIGHT is moving with a momentum focused to collide at the small area of your palm tryin to grab the throat of the attacker.your WHOLE BODY. it's wat, 60kg?. imagine the devastating effect of it."

then he continued: "the second one, the one that i pulled your leg and tripped you" .. i was satisfied with the first question now, so i listened patiently."you might say it is not aikido.no it is NOT,BUT then again, it IS the essence of aikido philosophy when you put into real situation"
how come? "without proper timing, do you think i can creep down before your blow reaches me , and if i hadnt' placed myself in the region that i could take your balance, do you think u would fall? i'd be eating your kicks head-on" i was satisfied.
aikido is not about being stuck in the technique, any other martial arts should not fix your mind set to perform a certain technique. it is supposed to train our muscle memory to react to any situation that we might get involved with, that, without thinking, we can react to it naturally, instinctively.

i hope that convinces you ,assuming that you are not an aikidoka .that aikido IS actually a practical form of art. we are not that dumb to expect people to attack us by grabbing our arms. darn it, it IS JUST the easiest form of us "feeling" the contact of the attacker..so that we can react to it. and if you really want to ask this question: WHY DO THE ATTACKERS ATTACK THIS WAY ONLY? WHY CANT THEY ATTACT THE OTHER WAY? WHY DO THEY HAVE TO TELL WHAT WAY THEY ARE ATTACKING? CANT THEY SURPRISE THE ATTACK?

THEN WE SURPRISE THE COUNTERATTACK TOO ask this question and be prepared to have some part of your body injured. we do it that way because we do not want to hurt our opponnents.and lose people to practice with . got it? :))

weird nights of unrested mind.

2004-06-29T13:19:00.000+08:00

First its yesterday's, then it was this morning's, or rather last nite's. dreams that i woke up from that make me feel extra happy, happy enough to let me last the whole boring day through at work.well i shouldnt be complaining about work since my work is what i tell people my passion is: 3D. but damn, texturing is already one darn big hate of mine, and i suck doing it, guess wat, now i have to do texturing in another platform, another software that i'm considered a complete dumbass noob in.
let's not swerve too far from the original topic shall we, i was talking about the holy visions that i had during my semi-conscious sleep last nite and the night before..

READ IT

2004-05-31T14:38:00.000+08:00

i'm gonna title this *SHIT*
cos thats what i feel : SHITTY .after the most disgraceful moment in my whole entire life so far...
a disgrace to my manhood , but i shall share it nevertheless.

hence, i've decided to write a press release to avoid telling the whole incident repeatedly again and again to my
dear friends and colleagues that show concern and care to know what had actually happened during that moment,
which i cant turn them down and yet it cuts my heart everytime i am made to remember it, it's like a sharp dagger slowly
drawing open a wound that had barely healed ..leaving behind the trail of cut : the splitting sound of the thin skin tearing
apart, and the torn flesh with a ridge of red-fresh-flesh within.

FUCK*.
saturday-
so the scene starts with me reaching home in seremban, it was around 6.00 that i had decided to go to the club not so far
away from my house for a swim.alone. i reached the club by 6.30, the pool was filled with kids playing around and there were
some people playin badminton, and some golfers resting by the poolside restaurant. it was just like any clubhouse-on a lazy
saturday evening~ ...
i always have this habit of setting how many laps i'm gonna do for the day before i actually jump into the water,(cos i tend to
get lazy the moment i touch the water), so judging by the crowd in the pool, which was only a few kids and some adults, prolly
around 10 in the 50meter pool, which was quite little, i figured i could do more laps as there were less "traffic" .and so i decided
i should swim 70 laps.and i went in.

it was already around 6.45 in the evening and the sky was getting darker, i had a pretty nice cruise until my 30th something lap,
by that time,which was around 7.30, the lights in the pool where already up, and so were the lamps by the poolside, and as i was
doing just another turn as i reach the end of the pool, i noticed some black figure there, and a male voice, as if talking to me, so
i paused for a sec, with waters in my ears and all, and u know i cant see without my glasses( and i dont wear goggles with power)
..but he didnt continue, so, split second, i continued swimming ..

well,it took me atleast another half and hour or more to finish my 65th lap, which i thought was abit too late as my parents might be
waiting for me to have dinner at home.so i stopped at 65. by this time, around 8.00,the whole pool, and the poolside was already empty,
so , like usual,topless, i wrapped my towel around my waist ,put on my earring, packed my stuff and walked towards the toilet, thinking
of the hot water bath that i always anticipate for(cos you know ,once, i even took the chair into the shower and sat under the hot showering
water..it feels so nice to waste water once in a while heheh) ...

as i was walking towards the toilet: this indian guy was also walking out, (yes. he is the HERO in the farking story, you've guessed right)
around 45 years old, twice my size and 1 1/2 head taller than me..he stopped at the door to let me through first, and he was smiling at me .
so that's what we often(or atleast I DO) do, in clubs, i'm just being friendly, so i smiled back, and walked passed him, as i was walking, i felt,
or rather,noticed from the corner of my eye that the fellar had his vision pinned on me(for those of you who are 3d animators in MAYA ,
imagine "AIM-CONSTRAINT" ) so i turned to look at him, we were two arms length away from each other(that's the distance that we're supposed
to keep , my subconsious mind reminded me that i've learnt that in aikido) (now i'm just giving you the picture of the scenario, behind me was
the urinal and behind him was the basin and mirrors. we were standing facing each other at the doorway. and he didnt take his eyes away from
me, so i started a conversation by introducing myself and asking for his name.well, it's part of being polite right~

yeah, and he told me his name's ROY. then he asked me : "oh, so howmany laps did you do back there? " then,i said : "65, and i have to stop"
he replied:" really? it's really great ! and WOW~!! " "thanks, i used to swim alot . i like it" i replied." are you a competition swimmer"he asked
again," used to be , not anymore, i pulled out quite early, but kept the interest" i smiled, and i quickly swerved the topic away, cos i had just felt
that something wasnt right, he's just being too curios about me..and i saw that he was gazing at my chest area.(which i thought maybe it's his
height problem , trying to look at me, BUT apparently it wasnt ..cos when i pointed my hand out in a direction when i asked him "do you stay around
here?" he didnt even turn his head to look at my hand or my eye~!! it was just STUCK to my chest.(wat the fuck, i dont have a hairy chest, neither
do i have a big chest like the-Rock wat was he staring at? my pink nipples? ) i was starting to feel awkward.(come on, if you're a chick, it's fine,
tho it's weird, but it's still fine, you're a auntie, it's still fine, but what the hell? look who's staring at me?)
so i tried to save myself by pulling away the topic once again: i asked him where does he work, and after answering my question, he immediately
pulled the topic back and said : "y'know, you've got a nice body" with a one-of-a-kind- wink* on his face.like the one you'd imagine a super-hot-chick
gives to you, but this time it's a hairy indian uncle~! (no offense to indians.but dont touch me, mr not-straight).
he said that remark TWICE the second time he added, "you've got nice muscles huh~". and nothing else, what makes it worse is ,this time, he wasnt
staring at my chest. ... he's staring at my dick.okay, not so rude, "crotch-area" .. DICK.he had his eye fixed at my dick.
(it wasnt a normal complement.obviously.)

and what the hell? i had a thick towel around my waist, the water was so cold, i dont think you can even see much besides a small little bulge on
my crotch area.and no. there was no erection. how could i? in front of this weird ass? and after the cold swimming pool water? so wat was he looking
at? at that moment, i suddenly understood how women felt when guys look at them and talk to their boobs, how helpless they always say they are
being exposed to sexual-harrassments like this... i admit. i was helpless.i cant hit or punch him. he did nothing wrong practically, i could've just
told him off like what i expect you'll tell me that you'll do in that situation, like, tell him to fuck off. no BUT I COULDNT" i felt like a helpless little girl.
anticipating for the big bad wolf to devour me. it doesnt feel good. it feels like shit. (now it would be a totally different story if that was a hot-chick)
BUT THAT WAS A MAN~! i dont despise gay~, it's their freedom, but dont freaking touch me. DO YOU WANT ME TO STARE AT YOUR DICK
AND TALK TO YOU? the WHOLE TIME? AND NOT TALKING ANYTHING..? imagine JUST A STRANGER STARING AT YOUR DICK AND SMILING
AND NOT SAYING ANYTHING>!!!

so, like a little mice, i regained some conscious and found a hole beside the corner of the wall to sneak out, i told him" hey, i gotta go bathe now,
my mom's waiting outside for me(which is not) and im gonna be late" .. and i escaped into the shower stalls, and i didnt even dare to take off my
swimming trunk as the door's semi transparent( i normally just strip, but knowing there's a pervert standing outside would you?) i briefly showered
thinking to myself what the hell that had just happened. then SUDDENLY i heard him calling my name~ i pulled open the door and (see?thats
why i didnt take off my swimtrunks. gotcha ~!! asshole) and he asked me" han~ so when do you normally come swimming?" guess wat, your
not so cunning friend here TOLD HIM the actual info. "SATURDAY" .... and he asked wat time.." nite" i answered ,, and i quickly slammed the door
back, waited for a sec, then check to see that if he's still there... then i rushed to the toilet-stall infront,and quickly changed into my clothes and
"escaped" through the back door of the toilet through the sauna room and jumped out from the side gates of the pool side restaurant to fetch my
car. AND I ESCAPED~!. thank god my asshole is saved. but i dont know about going back to the club next weekend.maybe i should lay low for a
while.....

AND I REALLY FELT LIKE I HAD BEEN HARRASED~!!!!!(well, that feeling lasted me one hour i guess. i felt like puking!)luckily he didnt show me
his thang.

now the whole summary is: he did not touch me. girls, i'm NOT GAY. dont worry. hahahah .
and the moral of the whole story,:i am allergic to non-straight. OKAY? so no touchy touchy.
i may not be able to harm you if you just stare at me, but keep your paws away. one trip to the gates of hell(the above incident) and i've had enough.
touch me, i'll break your arms. thank you.

yeay~!!

2004-05-28T16:48:00.000+08:00

OH YEAH...upon seeing mr don-tuan's very own blogspot,i've decided to sign in for one too~!! now i didnt think so many people would love writing crap online much enough to create a demand for something like this blogspot thingy to surviVE~! wat am i talking about.whatever.

ohh..i'm gonna love this. crap online :P
anyways, i've just bought my beetle~! the previous owner calls it an old junk but he stil loves it, i think it's cool man~
but i'm damn broke.BUT I"M HAPPY. hahahhaa

i need a parttime ~! anybody wants to pay to see my scared butt?